Acceptance

Okay, I still have not found the exact words to use in this post but will try to summarize the best I can. If I took you on my 3 year journey of understanding faith, healing, and acceptance..it would be a book so here I'll just leave out most of the details and get to where I am now.

I've struggled about my faith on healing and acceptance since the day we found out Autumn had SB. I accepted her SB and the "regular" stuff to expect but continued to fight about Autumn's need for a trach and vent. It has been the thorn in my side. I've explored all the questions imaginable as to why God has allowed Autumn to be one of those cases that all SB mom's fear when they are pregnant. Why were we chosen this type of path? Was it my lack of faith? Was is because I did not pray for healing of SB while I was pregnant? Was it to teach me a lesson? Was I not doing enough for God to heal her? All kinds of crazy thoughts came to mind. I felt anger towards other SB mom's who whined about their kids may never walk and here my child could not even breathe on her own. Why not give them this task to make them more appreciative of what they have and what they could be dealing with? I was thankful for Autumn from day one so why was I being punished? At least that is how I felt at times. I felt I deserved for my daughter to be healed!

I then read the devotional that I posted a few days ago and it suddenly clicked. None of this is about me or Autumn. It's all about God's glory. I was learning about the jealous God who wants the focus on Him and not on our lives. As American Christains we are wrapped up in ourselves and what we think we deserve. Our society tells us that we deserve to be happy and not have to deal with hard issues. I can read story after story in the Bible and not one Christ follower had an easy life. They chose to devote their lives completely to God and He never promised the walk would be easy but it would be rewarding. They ALL were blessed by our loving God but the blessings came because of obedience and sacrifice. I've been focused on me and all the reasons I felt Autumn needed to be healed. If she no longer had a trach my life would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to depend on nurses, I could be an independant mother again and take my daughter wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My faith would also be validated in her miraculous healing and I wouldn't have to trust God about it daily. God wants me to accept EVERYTHING He places before me. He wants to watch me trust Him, depend completely on Him, and praise Him no matter what circumstances I'm going through. He has used Autumn to show me that He is real and He can sustain me daily.

As a mother I do wish Autumn did not have a disability but as a Christain it does not matter. Her body is only temporary and her soul is what matters. Why would God see a need to heal her? He said she's fearfully and wonderfully made. He did not make a mistake with her that He needs to correct. He wants me to see her through His eyes and not keep looking through worldly eyes. I've now accepted that if she has her trach for the rest of her life, I'm fine with that. Yes, as a mother I want her to have and experience everything like an able-bodied child and fit in with society. When I look through God's eyes I can see that handicap is not in His vocabulary and He views us all the same no matter what we lack to the world.

I had a friend ask if I was given a pill that would completely heal Autumn of SB would I give it to her? I responded that I did not know but probably not. I asked James the same question and he said no. My first thought wondered if it seemed cruel to not give her that "gift" if it was available and if I'd be a bad parent not to but James' answer reassured me about my thought of who are we to change the way God created Autumn? It's up to Him only to change her. It is His purpose for her to have SB and her days are planned out accordingly. Just like we chose not to give Gage growth hormones to be taller. We all have challenges we are faced with in life. Each of us were created with our specific challenges and talents to be able to overcome and use for God's glory. We have eternity to be perfect but for now we are given the chance to embrace ourselves and each other and to live our days focused on God's will for our lives and not on changing God's creations to meet the world's standards.

I know my heart with still ache at times as I watch Autumn grow, question, and be frustrated by her SB. It's only natural to feel that way as her mother and want to fix things for her. I'll just have to remain focused on God's plan for her life and look towards our heavenly goals. It's a struggle to live in a world who does not view things as God does and to stand up, support, and accept His ways. My hope is no longer in wishing she will be healed one day. My hope is that God uses our lives for His glory and that we continue to be obedient to Him and trust in His will for our lives. My hope is that the day when I see Him face to face He will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant". Those words alone are worth more than any sacrifice He will ask me to make for His sake!