Autumn's 5th Birthday

I know, I am just a couple of weeks behind on posting about Autumn's birthday, life continues to keep me busy. We did not go all out this year for Autumn's birthday. It was so weird for me not to throw a party but Autumn would rather be home chilling then doing the typical birthday party stuff. The weekend before her birthday, my parents came down to visit & the weekend of her birthday, my in-laws came to visit. We just had a nice relaxing weekend & then on her birthday day, we had my brother & his family & my cousin Steph & Jordyn over to eat pizza & have cupcakes & ice cream. Autumn did a little bit better with opening presents this year, she at least touched the tissue paper to pull it a little from the gift bags. She did not like pulling the wrapping paper. She threw every outfit she received to the side & would study the DVD's she got.

I can not believe it's been 5 years since the days we spent in the hospital with her. There were so many unknowns about her & I feel there are still so many more. Life with SB is a day by day process. She's more behind than I expected she would be but I am still so proud of every thing she has had to overcome these past 5 years. As she gets older & bigger, we have a lot to think about for her future. I have been obsessing over trying to figure out how to make things easier for us, whether we need to move into a new house, remodel our existing house, what to do about a wheelchair accessible van, etc. It just gets so overwhelming thinking of all the costs for these items & you don't want to make the wrong choices on what to do because we really are not sure what she will or will not be able to do in her future. I've done lots of praying for God to help me not to worry & take it one day at a time. It's hard not to worry when your back is aching from transporting your 5 year old. She is literally like a sack of potatoes because she does not help one bit when you hold her! It's getting hard for both James & I & even our nurses. God finally just spoke to me to take one thing at a time & reminded me He always provides & He will get us through the next stage like He has done in the past. Our first focus is getting Autumn a medical bed that will go up & down & that has sides like a crib to keep her safe. The bed we want will not fit in her current room so we will be converting our dining room into a bedroom for Autumn. We are going to see about getting French doors installed so when we do sale our house, it will not hurt the resale & it will give Autumn some privacy & help with the noise coming from the nearby kitchen & living room. This will be a start. Next we will focus on a new van, then hopefully in a couple of years a new house with a completely modified bathroom for Autumn. In the meantime, James & I will have to continue lifting weights to stay strong for all the lifting we do. ;) She's a lot of work but more than worth it. Love that girl to pieces!

First Day of School

It's a new school year & this momma is excited! It was an extra long summer being home with 4 kids but we all survived each other. I loved getting to spend time to bond with Noah and we had fun doing all our summer activities but I am so ready to send them off for 7 hours a day & enjoy some things I like. This year all 4 will be in school most of the time. Madison is a 9th grader & in her first year of high school! I can't believe it. She is taking a full load with 4 AP classes, sign language, art, & dancing on the drill team. It's going to be a busy year for her but I think she's going to enjoy it. Gage is in 3rd grade. I am nervous about this year & praying he can stay focused so we don't have to look into starting him on ADHD medication. He is an A/B student so as long as he can keep that up, we will wait on medication. He has a sweet teacher this year & I hope they work well together. Noah is at a different school than Gage & Autumn. He is in the FA2 program which is not offered at the school the other 2 attend. FA stands for Functional Academics which is a class for kids with special needs that need a little extra help with school. He started kindergarten this year. He will also do inclusion with the regular kinder kids. He will go to lunch & specials (PE,music,art) with them as well as spend a set amount of time in their classroom. His classroom only has 5 students so he will get a lot of extra help learning & hopefully one day he will no longer be behind or need to be in the FA programs. He will also receive speech therapy again this year at school. He did not do well on the first day but day 2 & 3 went great. He does much better when he rides the bus to school & mommy does not take him so we will stick to that plan. Autumn is in her 3rd year of the PPCD program but her 2nd year of pre-k. She also does inclusion with the regular pre-k kids for an hour a day & then the rest of the day she is in her PPCD classroom learning. She will continue to have OT,PT, & speech therapy at school as well. We are also doing OT & feeding therapy outside of school. Autumn will go 4 days a week for 5 hours a day this year & Mondays we do private therapy. So, we have lots of busy kids to keep up with this year. The nice thing is they all leave & arrive home at different times. Noah gets on the bus at 7am, I drive Gage to school at 7:30am, take Madison to school at 8:15am & then Autumn gets on the bus at 8:40am. Autumn is the first home at 2:10pm, Noah gets home at 3:15pm, Gage arrives about 5 mins later, & then I leave to pick up Madison at 3:30pm. It works out really well. James also started his new day shift schedule this week. YAY!!! I am super excited about him working days, even though he is not. He will be off Mon-Wed & then work Th-Su from 6:30am-4:30pm. It stinks he will still work weekends but now we will get to see each other more during the week & without kids requesting our attention every 2 minutes. James is not thrilled to be working days in the Texas heat but he can just get over it. For 10 years, he has worked evening/night shifts so I think it's about time we get it MY way for 6 months. I'm excited that on weekends I don't have to constantly yell at kids for playing too loudly. I get to fall asleep next to my husband & actually talk with him during the day. I can clean our room & bathroom whenever I want & not have to wait until the evenings. There is just so many things I am looking forward to. Like holidays, we don't have to rearrange everything to work around his sleeping schedule. It's going to be awesome, I just know it & James will eventually see it too ;) This week has been an adjustment with him trying to switch his body from sleeping days instead of nights so he has been extremely tired & not sleeping much. Today was his first day to actually work & he was suppose to wake up at 5:30am but woke up at 2am instead so it's going to be a long day for him. I am also trying to get use to having him in bed with me so it's been hard for me to fall asleep to his snoring. It's kind of like we are newlyweds again learning each other's sleeping habits. Now that he will be working days, I am on Autumn duty 2 nights a week. We only have enough nursing hours to cover Autumn's school times & then 5 nights a week so I'm left to do the other nights (James would help but he sleeps too heavy to hear her machines go off like I can). I am adjusting to waking up several times a night to check a beep or empty her water trap on her vent circuit (has to be emptied every 4 hours). It's okay though since we get to have James on a daytime schedule with the family. I think this is going to be another fun & extremely busy school year for us! Here are some first day of school pictures. The last one is just a cute one of Autumn & Noah "playing together".

God's Will, Not Mine

Let me start by letting you know we all made it back to church last night for the first time in 3 months (since Noah arrived home). Nursing issues. I was nervous how Noah would do but he did AWESOME!! Our church has a special needs room so we decided to take him there (felt a regular classroom would be too overwhelming for him & he would be too active focus).  He did not cry when we dropped him off & was not ready to go when we picked him up! Shows me he is secure in knowing we will return for him. I also want to let you know Noah is 100% potty trained...day & night.

Anyways, God put us back in church on the perfect day.  The sermon was about God's Will, not ours.  I have been struggling with accepting God's Will in my life for 4 years now & this sermon just sealed the deal for me.  God has been working to change me for years now, I am a strong-willed individual & I put up a huge fight before I will give in.  This battle with God over the past 4 years has been an exhausting one.  The day we found out Autumn had SB, we were saddened but honestly we were praising God it was only going to affect her legs & not her mind.  It did not bother me that my daughter may never walk.  Walking is just overrated in my eyes.  Many people in wheelchairs live happy lives.  I knew she would have struggles & miss out of some things in life but she could still live a normal life.  It was after she was born that I was hit with the realization that Autumn was going to have more issues.   I hated her trach but loved it at the same time.  Without it, she would die but with it changed our lives dramatically.  I was angry but blessed at the same time.  Thankful she was alive but mad that we all had to change our lives because of it.  We gave up our pets, we had to welcome strangers being on our home daily, I could not shower when I wanted or jump in the car to take my kids grocery shopping.  My independance was gone & I was angry.  I pride myself in being an independant woman & now I was having to rely on people 24/7 to help me.  I prayed nightly God would heal Autumn from needing her trach so life could get back to being fairly normal.  At this time Autumn was developing normally but then the seizure came when she was about 12 months old that I feel like changed Autumn forever.  She stopped eating, stopped signing, & stopped developing normal.  Years went by & she has grown & developed but it has become obvious that Autumn will always need our help for her care.  We moved here & life got even harder.  There is so much to do in the Dallas area but Autumn can not do most of it because of either anxiety or heat.  Not only is it hard at times to take her places but she honestly could care less to go with us.  This frustrated me! I wanted to be a normal family who could take all my kids to the zoo & we have a good time.  I would force outings but Autumn would be miserable & so would my other kids.  I would compare her to other SB kids & be sad she was not like them.  I would get mad listening to them complain that their child could not walk when my could not even breathe or talk.  I would ask God how is this fair? We were ok with Autumn not walking & then you gave us more & these other parents can not even accept that their kid can not walk.  I had this idea that if I was not complaining about her not walking, why give me more & then these parents who could not even appreciate their children that can breathe & talk are complaining about something we were ok with.  Like we deserved to have it better because we accepted it.  God slowly started to show me I was no different...there were parents looking at me saying the same thing, that at least your child is with you & theirs had been taken away from them & they would give anything to have what I have.  I struggled to accept this path God gave us & just wanted to Him to change it.  I did not want to sacrifce all He has asked us to.  I did not want my other kids to have to sacrifice stuff because of Autumn either.  I just wanted to feel normal again & my kids to have a normal childhood.  I would frequently give myself pity parties.  I wished for that old life back.  The days when I did not have to deal with nursing agency, dr. appts, DME companies, therapy, ARD's, nurses.  The days I did not have to worry about childcare just so I can take a shower or run to the grocery store.  The days when we could just go somewhere as a family without me feeling sad because I had to leave one child at home.  The times I could be involved in church & the kids school without having to make sure I have nursing scheduled or have to cancel because of a dr appt, therapy, or a nurse called in.  The days I could just find anyone to watch my kids & they did not have to be a trained nurse.  The days my kids could be in activities & not have to miss out because I do not have anyone to care for Autumn.  Being able to play with my kids without being interrupted by a child who has stopped breathing.  The days James & I could both ride in the front seats of the car. The days both James & I could attend children's functions together & not needing one to stay home with Autumn. There is SO much that has changed in our lives & that we took for granted before Autumn arrived.  I would pray nightly God would heal Autumn's brain so she would be trach free, she can communicate with us, & she could be cognitively normal.  I finally started to pray if this is not His will that He then change me to accept it.  It has taken a LONG time but God finally started answering my prayers.  He has not healed or changed Autumn & has not allowed my will be to done but He has changed me to accept His will.  The acceptance started in February when James & I took our first trip away from Autumn.  To say I had anxiety would be an understatement.  I was terrified.  Although, the trip was nice it was not as wonderful as it could of been.  I worried about Autumn the entire time.  I was convinced God would take her away from me while I was gone or that James & I would die & my kids would be left without us.  First our cruise was cancelled & then our car broke down on the way to the airport so I just knew this was God telling me not to go. James pointed out it was Satan trying to stop us because we needed the break away together & we needed to trust God.  I went on the trip, had lots of anxiety, but did trust God.  We came home & everything was fine! This was a HUGE eye opener for me.  Life can go on & God does not have to change our situation, I just have to let him to change my view of it.  I finally felt freedom in this new life.  I realized I needed to stop fighting against God's will & start living for it.  My kids & I can still do things without me feeling guilty that Autumn is home.  I can committ to things & it's ok if I have to cancel because of Autumn (I am the perfectionist type who feels if I can not give 100% of myself then I will just not give at all). It is okay for me to accpet Autumn how she is & I don't have to feel guilty if I am not striving to change her.  It is ok that God made her to be 100% dependant on us for the rest of her life.  It will be ok if I never get to hear her say, "I love you mommy."  The sermon last night talked about "stupid theology" that some Christains have about life, that it will always be happy, healthy, & good if we are Christains.  God never promised that...in fact, He warned us we would have struggles.  When Jesus was sweating drops of blood because He was full of anxiety about the death He was about to endure...he prayed for His desire for God to take it away but ended by saying to God, "Your will be done."  If God had answered Jesus' prayer for His desire then we as Christains would not be saved from our sins & would endure the life we all deserve in Hell.  It was only because Jesus made sure to ask for God's will above all else to be done that we as Christians can live in eternity with him.  God is more than capable to making Autumn completely normal tomorrow & my faith believes He would if he willed it but instead His will is for us to accept the path he made for us & rejoice in it.  Hearing that sermon just assured me that acceptance & sacrifice is what God is asking of me.  After the sermon, James taught our life group about never being in rest here on Earth because our rest comes in heaven.  We should be giving our all to God every day! Hearing that just gave me the strength to know that living out the will of God is allowing me to always rely on God's strength to perserve through this difficult journey He has for us.  If God changed Autumn, I think he knows I would become complacent & just rest in this life & not live the life He has called me to live.  Autumn allows me to always rely on His strength daily & to always have hope to see her healing when we are in heaven.  I wanted God to give me all my hopes & desires for Autumn on Earth but how much more wonderful is it that I get to experience what it's like to really rely on God daily to get through this challenging life & that for eternity I will get to experience Autumn with a healed body & mind.  God is good ALL the time...it just takes some us (me) more time to realize it than others.

Noah's 6th Birthday

On July 16, Noah turned 6!!! My sister-in-law, nephew, Gage, Noah, & I went to Grapevine for the day. We took Noah to the Rainforest Cafe for lunch & then to Legoland. He loved it! We came home, ordered pizza, ate cake, & opened a couple of presents with daddy. I could not help but think about his biological parents. Did they even realize it was his birthday? Do they miss him? Do they think about him & wonder how he is? Do their hearts ache not being able to see him anymore? I can not imagine all the questions Noah will have one day. I remember watching him play in the bathtub after our fun filled day & he was so happy! Will he continue to be happy every birthday or will there come a time his heart will ache on that day knowing his birth parents are not there to celebrate with him? Adoption is a beautiful thing because it gives children a chance to live a life their birth family could not provide but it is also something that I wish did not have to exist so that every child to could be cared for & raised by their birth family. I just know this is one more challenge he will have to deal with when he gets older & I hate that for him. Friday we took a trip to my parents house for the weekend since Noah has never been to Nana & Grampy's House. On Saturday, we invited friends & family over to meet Noah & celebrate his 6th birthday. We had small swimming pools set up for the kids, food, & cake. Noah had a BLAST!!! I laid in bed that night feeling thankful, loved, & overwhelmed. All these people came to show their love & support for our new son. When God called us to adopt we had many fears. One of those fears was wondering if our new son would be accepted & loved like our bio kids. Would his skin color matter to others? Would they treat him like our other kids? Not everyone has been happy about our choice for adoption. I had to realize that not everyone would understand or accept him but that all that matters is what God wants from us. I am not going to lie, it does bother me at times but I just have to do what I know God wants from us. Even with Autumn, some people are just not comfortable around people with disabilities & don't know what to say or how to act so they just stop coming around. I have to accept that & move on & do life the way God has called us to. For those who have been supportive, it has been overwhelming for me. Your support means SO much to me! As I stood there watching all my family & friends sing Happy Birthday to Noah & watched the smile on his face, it reminded me of God's love for us. Here is this little boy who was taken from a bad situation at the age of 2, thrown into a couple of temporary homes, finally placed in a stable foster home, had to say goodbye to that home that he knew for the past 3 years, walk into a new home with a mommy, daddy, & siblings & here he is celebrating his 6th birthday with all these "strangers" who love & accept him. No one was thinking about his past, broken life or cared about his skin color. They were just loving him like Christ loves us no matter what we look like or our past. Reminded me of all the questions I had just a few days before about how Noah will feel when he gets older but Saturday reassured me that no matter what questions he has or challenges he will have to deal with in the future, he will know he is loved by us & our heavenly Father. I'm thankful we always have that comfort & hope in Christ when situations & people fail us. I can not believe it has only been 3 months since Noah came to live with us! He has changed so much! He is officially potty trained!!! We even took away the night time pull ups 2 days ago & so far he is staying dry in the mornings. Yay! His vocabulary & comprehension is improving as well. He is learning to write his new name & he just seems to act older than he did 3 months ago. His behavior has improved so much. I think he is starting to get over testing boundaries & understands how we expect him to behave. He's still a typical child who has tantrums & disobeys but for the most part, he is doing really good & such a sweet kid. I have finally adjusted to having 4 kids. The first month was rough! Bonding does not come instantly in adoption. I felt like I was babysitting someone's kid the entire first month. All I did all day was discipline. I was so sick of constantly saying no! I just wanted to love on my new son but he's not a newborn baby who just sleeps, eats, & cries! He's a 5 year old who runs around, throws fits, tests boundaries, does not want to listen, asks questions over & over, & has a bundle of energy! I admit, there were some days I would cry & wonder what in the heck did we do! I hated that I felt that way because I had been waiting for over a year for our son & here he was & I was wondering how am I going to handle this! When summer got here, I was dreading it! The break school gave me would be gone & I'd have all 4 kids here ALL THE TIME!!! It was hard at first but summer really has been a great bonding time for us. I actually know this kid now! I figured out his likes & dislikes. The feeling changed from a kid I was babysitting to my son. It's amazing how it has changed. I love him like my bio kids. I don't look at him differently at all & even forget people can notice he's adopted since he's much darker than the rest of us. :) I'm shocked the change & adjustments have happened so quickly. It's just natural now.

Summer 2013

It's been a busy summer! Here's the summarized recap so far: UNO, Monopoly, Mario brothers, SpongeBob, Monsters University, Despicable Me 2, Popcorn Papa, snow cones, VBS, swimming, wave runner, slip-n-slide, Dora, San Antonio/Austin, dr.appts, sleepovers, cousins, park, hide & go seek, mosaic art, shopping, arguments, pierced ears, time outs, cleaning, laundry, potty training, dr. appts, therapy sessions, acts of kindness, fire station, Nana camp, errands, date night, adoption visits, why's & what's, and the list goes on. Still to come before the summer is over: pedicures, Legoland, Rainforest Cafe, church camp, Six flags, Noah's 6th birthday, trip to Odessa, friends, Going Bonkers, Perot Museum, school shopping, and then lots of repeating of the same activities already done. I'm just about ready for school to start back up again. ;)

Potty Training & Kindergarten plans

My goal for the summer is to have Noah Pedro 100% potty trained during the day...we can always work on the night time later. I can't handle both at once. It had been a big fail the first month of him home with us. We just could not be consistent when he wears pull-ups to school & underwear at home. I was constantly dealing with accidents. I had a friend send me a potty training book she used to train her triplets all at the same time. I read it & received some really good tips from it. The main thing was to do it all at once, stay home for at least 3 days & only focus on potty training, & to stay positive. The book said to do day & night all at the same time but I ignored that part. ;) So, Thursday morning we started the process of potty training. Day 1, I would take him every hour (sometimes every 30 mins) to try to go. The key is to catch them BEFORE they have an accident. I know his little cues so knew when he was about to go but I am also busy with 3 other kids so I could not be watching him every minute so I took him quite often to try to avoid accidents. EVERY TIME he used the potty, he got a piece of candy...the kid LOVED it! He only had about 2 accidents the first day. The second day, he had one slight accident. The third day, he had a couple of major accidents & my patience was running thin (my mother had left & I had been stuck at home with the 4 kids for 3 days now!). The 4th day he was accident free!!! Monday was a big test because it was the first time since potty training that we left the house. We took a trip to the grocery store..had to make 2 bathroom trips but no accidents! We even went to the park to play & get snow cones with only 1 bathroom stop & not accidents! Yay! There in no turning back now. He's doing it! Now he only gets candy when he tells me he needs to go & actually goes. Yesterday we went bowling & played some video games while there & he went potty once & never had an accident! I am still in shock how well it's going now. Once I feel safe to say we are 100% potty trained during the day, then we will work on night time training. He has been waking up fairly dry so I'm hopeful it won't be too hard now. I'm so excited he will start kindergarten without pull-ups on. Speaking of kindergarten, we had his ARD meeting right before school was out. He will be going to a different school than Gage & Autumn. :( This makes me sad & I hope he does okay with it, he really loved "eating" lunch with Autumn. The positive is that I can visit Gage & Autumn without having to sneak around the school so Noah does not see me. If he did, he would cling to me & cried when I left. He will be riding the bus to & from school which I hope works out with me taking Gage to school & picking up Madison from school. Not sure of the bus times so I am nervous how that will work out. His PPCD teacher will be at his new school so he will have a familiar face to see in the hallways which I am thankful for. He will be in a FA2 (a special needs class) classroom most of the day but will spend time with the "regular" kindergarten classes each day as well. He will do lunch, recess, specials, & 30 minutes of classroom a day in regular kinder & then do the rest of instructional learning in the FA2 class. He will also continue to receive speech therapy twice a week. He speaks clearly but has issues with concepts. He gets words confused & uses them wrong at times so he can say he's hot when he's actually cold, etc. He speaks like a 2 or 3 year old would when saying some phrases as well. He qualifies for an FA2 class because of his developmental delays & he scored low enough on the testing they did to be considered "intellectually disabled". Which means "mental retardation". I know this label scares many people. I've learned whatever label a child is given, it does not define what that child is all about. Madison is "gifted & talented", Gage is "short-stature, & ADHD", Noah is "intellectually disabled, ADHD, & developmentally delayed", & Autumn has so many different labels that I quit paying attention to them. Even with the broad difference in their skills & talents...I can celebrate accomplishments with each child everyday. Madison with her excellent grades & tests scores, Gage with his A/B honor roll despite having difficulties focusing, Noah being able to write his name, say his letters, or going to the potty, & Autumn pointing to something she wants to communicate to us & working hard daily in therapy. From the high grades from my oldest to the simple task of pointing from Autumn...I have feel the same joy with each child watching them accomplish goals in their lives & overcoming struggles. I cherish each child the way God created them to be. It does not matter if they are the smartest, most athletic, popular, prettiest, or even if they are "healthy". I've learned being "normal" does not matter. Having kids with a wide range of skills/issues really opened my eyes to see just how special & different God makes each & every one of us & how every child has a purpose & makes a difference in our world. Giving my child a "label" just helps me as a parent to know how I can best help them to grow & learn. It changes nothing about the way I love them or feel about them. With all that said, we will retest Noah in 2-3 years to see where his IQ is & if he still will be considered intellectually disabled or if he just needed time to develop more & catch up to his peers because of his delayed start in life. It will also help us prepare him more for his future. The thing I was most excited about in his ARD meeting is that they have done away with a behavioral plan. They said he is a completely different child than his previous school described him to be as far as behavior. He use to flee from the classroom & run from teachers & he would refuse to cooperate & throw fits. His new school said he tried to flee once but once they told him it was not allowed, he never tried again. They said he will withdraw when work gets difficult but they are able to help redirect his frustration without him having a temper tantrum. They were explaining how sometimes it looks like misbehavior but really it is just frustration from not being able to communicate his feelings so acting positively towards it instead of negatively completely changes how a child will react. His teachers have done SO well with him! They also believe it could be that he feels comfortable, safe, & secure in our home that many of his fears are going away. When I would first drop him off at school, he would cry & have to be reassured I'd be there when he would get off the bus. Same as anytime James or I left the house, he would cry & ask if we would be back. He has now learned that we always return so he does not cry anymore during departures from school or home. He is making good progress & still adjusting well.

Mom-cation

I am on a mom-cation right now. You may think I am sitting on a beach with my girlfriends or shopping until I drop. Nope. I am at home with my 2 daughters, nephew, & mother. May not sound like a "vacation" but it is to me. You see, I have nurses to care for Autumn, Madison pretty much takes care of herself & just needs me as her taxi, & my mom is taking care of my nephew that I am watching for 2 nights. James took the boys out of town to Austin & San Antonio. It was suppose to be an overnight trip for the both of us to take Noah Pedro to his dr appt in San Antonio. However, we don't trust to leave our new night nurse overnight with Autumn without us home so we were going to have to make it a day trip. Neither one of us wanted to drive 5 hours there & then 5 hours back in one day so I mentioned to James that he could take him, visit family & friends in Austin & I could just stay home. It's hard for me to give up the control of not being in every detail & missing a dr appt but this momma needs a break!!! So, we convinced Gage he should go too & the boys left on Sunday. I thought it should just be a night trip, James wanted to stay gone 3 nights, so we compromised for 2 nights away. After 1 night away, I am reconsidering letting them stay gone for 3 nights. I forgot what it was like to have just 2 kids. Yes, it's still hard work but 4 kids have worn me out!!! All those people who told me, "Once you have 3 or more kids, it's no big difference" LIED! It may be that 2 of my 4 have special needs so it's just A LOT more to handle! So, you wonder what I've done on this mom-cation huh? Well, I was so excited to sleep in this morning but couldn't. I tried but my body was wide awake at 7:15 am. I guess you could consider that sleeping in since the boys wake up at 6:30am but I really wanted to hit the 8 or 9am numbers on the alarm clock. :( It was my last chance for the week too..bummer! So got up & ready. Mom, nephew, & I went grocery shopping, got gas, & ran by the bank. Came home, put away groceries & did some laundry & sewed. Picked up Madison from VBS. Brought her home, took the dog to the vet to check her thyroid levels. Came home, took Madison shopping for some summer clothes, ran to Petsmart to get some frozen mice for the snake. Sewed a little more. Fed the snake. We all went to eat...this was so exciting for Madison & I. You see, our family literally only gets to go out to eat about 5 times a year! We eat out but it's always sending James to grab food to bring home to eat. We can't take Autumn to restaurants because she has high anxiety, cries, turns blue, & then dinner is ruined so we don't even bother. Just to have the freedom to go sit in a food place is HUGE!! We were able to do this since our day nurse worked until 7pm instead of 5pm today...we have to see if she wants to do it once a month because it's such a treat to do a small little thing as a family. After dinner, came home to do Autumn's trach care, played some UNO with my nephew, watched some TV, did some more laundry, & now blogging. I had planned to do some deep cleaning & organizing but things were just too busy today. I hope to tackle that tomorrow but just laying around doing nothing is tempting too before the boys return home :) Mom is staying until Friday so at least she will occupy the boys the rest of the week :)

Happy Birthday Gage!

May 17, 2004, I went into the hospital to be induced to deliver my 2nd child. We had no clue if we were having a boy or girl, we wanted it to be a surprise...but I had a feeling it would be a boy. I remember hearing the doctor say, "It's a boy" & being thrilled. I had NO idea how much that little boy would steal my heart. I love my girls but there is such a sweet bond between a mother & her son. He has brought so much joy & laughter into our home. When he was little, he was into everything & climbed everything! There was such a difference in raising a boy than a girl! The child NEVER slept & never stopped moving! Finally, at about 2 years old he slept through the night for the first time...whew! Gage has always been a funny child & 9 years later he is no different. He keeps us entertained by his singing, dancing & beat boxing. He loves to be center of attention. He also LOVES animals! From the time he could barely walk, he would find a bug & kiss it & every other animal he could find & even though he's more scared of bugs now, he still can not get enough of learning about animals. He adores them! He is such a lovable kid as well, he still loves to cuddle with his mommy too & claims he will continue when he's 16...I'm documenting it now to show him when he changes his mind on that one. ;) Every year I tell him he is not allowed to turn another year older...I want him to stay my little boy forever! I am so blessed to be his mommy & I love that boy with ALL my heart!

It's been 2 weeks!

I really had planned on updating how things were going daily once P arrived but obviously I under estimated what it was like to have 4 kids! Whew! So, we decided on a name for P! He is attached his current name so we are using it as his middle name & giving him a new first name. He never had a middle name so we explained to him how all of us have a first & middle name & we want him to have 2 names as well since he is part of our family now. After much debate, we decided on Noah Pedro Williams. Gage was NOT a fan of Noah, he wanted Joshua, so he refuses to say Noah. We try to use Noah Pedro as much as possible but a lot of time we still just say Pedro because we were use to it as well. At first he would correct us & just say his name is Pedro. We would only use Pedro when he requested. Now he never corrects us when we use both names but occasionally does if we just say Noah. At night when I get his pj's on, I always just use Noah when we are looking for his arms/legs/head to put his clothes on. If I forget to do it, he tells me to say, "Noah, where is your head"? So, he is slowly warming up to the new name. We know it's a lot of change at once so we are taking his cues on it. He may always want Pedro & that will be fine but legally he will be Noah Pedro in 6 month! Pedro has been doing AMAZING at the transition into our home. My brother met him the 2nd day he lived with us & commented how he acts as if he has always lived here. It has felt so natural. He seriously is a perfect fit for our family. We are learning more about him everyday. He has tested boundaries. One night was a nightmare! He refused to settle down for bed & it was an hour & a half long battle. James & I were nervous it was going to be like that every night. However, we received advice from a friend, foster mom, & our caseworker on suggestions. We now have a bedtime routine that is working. We found out he takes a LONG time to transition from playtime to bedtime. So, at 6:30pm, I give him a bath. 7:00pm we pick up toys & then we gets one on one mommy time. 7:30pm him & daddy lay in his bed & watch TV. 8:00pm I release daddy & do his bedtime story & prayers. I stay by his bed until he falls asleep which usually takes only about 5-15 minutes. Works great! He is just such a sweet child. He is affectionate, happy, funny, friendly, polite, & loves to help. He still has TONS of energy but will sit to play on my ipad when I need him to calm down. He is in the "why" stage which drives me CRAZY! He also says "What?" all the time! He asks for food all day as well! He loves his siblings & puppy...he still can not remember Layla's name! Potty training has not been going well. We were warned he may regress with the change so I am not pushing it until summer begins & he has had more time to adjust. He has started school & just the last 2 days has not cried for me when I drop him off but he still makes me walk him to class every morning. he rides the bus home with Autumn & he enjoys that. He loves buying school lunches & sits with Autumn * her nurse in the cafeteria. He calls Autumn's nurse "the office" I guess he hears nurses office at school or something? Really not sure where he came up with it. He is just so precious! We have had to do about 4 "time-ins" since he has been here. They recommend time-in instead of time-out because separating a child who is trying to attach is not good so his time-ins are in the same room as we are in but the same concept. One day a 5 minute time-in took 20 minutes because he would not stay! They are mainly for not listening to us & doing something we've warned him not to do multiple times. He is understanding what the rules are. Like the other day I was getting him out of the bath. He loves to pour water over his head over & over. Before I get him out I tell him how many more times he can do it then we need to put the cup away. The other day I told him 5 more times, he did 5 more times & then I told him to put the cup down. He started to fill the cup over & over to throw the water & soaked me in the process. I took the cup away & then told him that tomorrow he would not be allowed to use the cup because he did not stop when mommy told him to. So, the next night he asked for the cup & I told him no. He said, "Because I got mommy wet when I did not listen". Well, he had a toy in his tub that he could fill with water so he was using it instead of the cup. When I told him he could do it 3 more times then has to stop, he obeyed & said "I don't get mommy wet". I was proud of him for understanding what he did wrong & then making a good choice not to do it again. The adjustment for me has been challenging. I remember going from 1 to 2 kids was hard but then 2 to 3 did not seem too bad except for all of the adjustments with Autumn & her medical stuff but the family dynamic seemed pretty much the same. Going from 3 to 4 has me exhausted! It's not like bringing home a baby who can not walk or talk right away. This one is ALL over the place, constantly talking, & constantly wanting attention. I also noticed the huge difference in the household chores. There is more laundry, more dishes, & I am still adjusting to how much more food I need to cook each night & the grocery bill our first week was $300! Week 2 was another $180! Even though we were a family of 5 before he came, Autumn does not eat by mouth & Gage rarely eats anything so we had it easy. Noah eats SO much! He has even inspired Gage to try new things which is awesome! I was already busy of course with the 3 kids but now Noah Pedro has the adoption visits & I've been busy making calls for his medical, etc. I actually had to take naps the first week he was here when James was up because I was so tired, I rarely nap! I even miss my other kids at times. I honestly have spent little time with Autumn these past 2 weeks. She is content watching TV in her room so she has not noticed but I have. Gage has been off the video games & playing outside more with Pedro which is great but I have not been able to have my weekend cuddles with him at night when James is working. Madison has been a great big sister & I could not do it without her help on the weekends. She has been downstairs with us more but the first week she had practice every night so I rarely saw her but this week we've spent more time together. It's been an adjustment on all of us, even daddy has had to get less sleep to help watch kids while I run the others around to different appts. It has all been worth it though! To hear him call me mommy is the sweetest sound to my ears. To see him happy & know that he will be safe the rest of his life & have a family to love him is priceless. To see him interact with Madison, Gage, & Autumn is so much fun to watch. He had a rough start to his life & he will have challenges to overcome throughout the years but right now he's just a joyful little boy who has brought so much happiness back into our home & has brought us all closer together.

He's home!!!

I feel like I could write an entire book describing every little detail of our first day home with P. He did great flying on the plane & greeted us by running to us yelling, "Mommy, Daddy" & giving us big hugs. Once we arrived home, he was curious to check out the entire house. He first said hi to Autumn, we were wondering what he would think of her wheelchair, trach, & all of her equipment. He hasn't been nervous about it at all! He ran upstairs to check out his room. He wanted to open drawers, find his clothes, & open the gifts he had received from Nanny & Papa for Christmas. As soon as we showed him the bathroom & his toothbrush, he wanted to stop the exploring & brush his teeth. We tried to get him to look around first but he insisted so we watched him brush his teeth. He checked out the playroom, he liked the drums & guitars the best. We were then back downstairs to look at Autumn's room & check out the backyard. He found 3 toys of Autumn's that he has kept near him since he has been here that he loves to play with. Two are toy phones that he pretends people call him on all the time & the other is an alphabet tablet toy. We introduced him to Layla, our dog. He likes her but was unsure about her following him & getting in his face. They are about the same height. Layla lays on the floor wherever she wants & expects everyone just to step over her unless it's Autumn in her chair then she knows she better get out of the way fast! P did not want to step over her so he would just not pass her or yell for us to help him get passed her. He now is comfortable with her & will step over her & is okay when she walks up to him. He can not remember her name so he just calls her puppy. He wants to eat ALL the time. I have to give him small snacks throughout the day. He has some stomach issues so we don't want him to eat too much as once. It's hard having to tell him no because I know he was probably deprived of food when he was a baby & so he feels the need to eat all the time. It's a balance that we need to give him food so he feels secure & understands it will always be available but he can not over eat & be sick. I wonder how he is so little with all the food he eats! Our first day went REALLY well! He does so good with Autumn. They would lay in the floor or in her bed & each have an ipod to look at. She kept trying to grab his ears which he thought was funny but did not like her doing it. He would just say, "No,No, baby sister!" When she would lay on him, he would say, "Mommy, my baby sister loves me". He has been gentle with her & tries to tickle her, but Autumn is not ticklish. The majority of the first day home was spent chasing P around & informing him of the house rules like, no food/drinks upstairs, don't give puppy people food, do not open the doors to outside or go outside without asking permission first. He tested some boundaries but he does really good with either redirection or telling him he will lose a privilege & then does what he was told. I've had to do the count to 3 a couple of times & he always stops before 3. He really is a good kid, he has sweet manners & asks for permission before he picks an app to play on my ipad to make sure it's ok to play. I did take him to get a haircut & he looks so handsome but he has discovered Gage's baseball cap & wants to wear it 24/7 so the hairstyle never lasts long. He is adjusting much better than we expected & acts as though he has always lived here!

Day 3

Sunday morning we picked up P for breakfast. He did really well in the restaurant. At first he was sitting by me & Gage but then started putting his head down & was whispering something. I asked him what was wrong & he said he wanted to sit by daddy. He sure does love his daddy already! :) The boy can eat too! Foster mom said you have to stop him or he will not stop! He ordered him some pancakes with bacon. He did not want the bacon but wanted my sausage instead, he also wanted daddy's toast. He ate 4 small pancakes, a piece of toast, a sausage patty, & drank 2 cups of apple juice & still wanted to eat! We have to be careful he does not eat too much because of the surgery he had back in January. Gage barely ate about 3 pancakes & drank his cup of chocolate milk & he's bigger than P! When we were done eating, P said he did not want to go back to grandma's & that he wanted to stay with us. The entire way home, he kept saying, "I don't want to go home". He knew that we would be leaving when he got to grandma's. Once there, we loaded up all his belongings to bring home so he would not have to take them on the plane on Thursday. I could not believe all the stuff she sent. We were told that some foster parents send everything & some just send the clothes on their back. He had a huge tub of clothes play a large trash bag full, a box & bag of toys, a bag of shoes, a bike, & a scooter. She also sent his meds & bath stuff as well! After loading up, we took some pictures & then had to say our goodbyes. Foster mom & I hugged, it was one of those emotional hugs where we both were feeling so thankful for the other. For the past year & a half, I have prayed my son was in a safe & loving home. This woman has been taking care of him for 3 years. She has taught him how to walk, talk, bond & did all of it knowing that one day he would have to leave. She has done such an awesome job with him, he is such a sweet boy. I will never be able to thank her enough, she's a special lady. We could tell she is sad that P is leaving her because she will miss him but she did the job she was called to do & she is so happy he loves us & will have a forever family who will love him no matter what! We plan to visit in June & then whenever we can. So, we gave P his & kisses & has we started to leave he started bawling!! Yes, I started crying too. He stood at the door with his arms reaching out to us. We went back to give him more hugs & tell him that we promise he would fly to live with us in 4 days! I told him he could call us whenever he wanted to, just to tell grandma. It was so hard to leave! About 10 minutes down the road, grandma called us to let us know he was fine & playing & she wanted to let him talk to us. It was good to talk to him when he was happy again. I already miss him even though I've been going non-stop since getting home yesterday. I have so much to do before he gets here on Thursday so my blogging break has to end so I can get back to work.

Day Two

This morning we picked up P at 9:30am to take to the zoo. He met big sister & big brother for the first time. He was more shy & just said hi to them. I think he knows kids means sharing parents love so he was a little unsure about them being there. They gave him the gifts they got him, a stuffed kitty cat animal & a football. He liked them. We had a good time at the zoo. He tested boundaries but listened to us most of the time. There was one time he ran from daddy while laughing, but daddy did not think it was as funny. One time we made the mistake of telling him bye when he would not come & started to slowly walk off, thinking he would want to follow. Instead he got really sad & said we told him bye...yikes! We felt bad & realized that was not a good idea to do for a child who has been abandoned by his parents in the past. My favorite part of the day was watching daddy having to do everything for him. Yes, I'm usually the one the kids run to & ask for things but P wants daddy to do most everything. It's a nice change of roles, not sure daddy is too thrilled about it though. We also noticed today he is quickly learning how to go from parent to parent when he gets mad at one parent. I would tell him no about something & he would want to walk by daddy or if daddy said no, he wanted to hold mommy's hands. He did not seem to get jealous though when Gage held our hands so that was good. He warmed up to Gage quickly but still seems a little unsure of Madison. He whines a lot when he wants something...over & over...typical kid. :) He showed us some of his goofy side as well. He put on my sunglasses & James' baseball cap on & would slowing turn his head towards us & say, "Hey, LuLu". Not sure what Lulu is but he said it several times during the day about different things. One time daddy took him to potty & when he came back, he ran up to me & hugged my legs, I asked if he missed me & he said yes. It was sweet! He will be keeping us very, very busy since he goes non-stop. It's been a long time since we've had little ones to run after but I'm sure we will get use to it again. He also is not 100% potty trained & we have not potty trained a kid in about 6 years so that we will have to get use to again...we had 4 potty breaks, had one accident & had to change into a pull-up & new clothes, & a pull-up accident too all in about 5 hours! We are so use to our kids that need like 2 bathroom breaks ALL day (yes, we have been spoiled). I really thought we would see our first fit at the zoo but he really did well with us redirecting him. We let the kids pick out something from the gift shop & he wanted 4 things but we said only one & he was completely ok with that. Since he chose an inexpensive toy, we let him get another little something too. ;) Gage was not happy about it but his 1 toy was more than the 2 P got so he finally got over his little pout fit. By the end of the day, P was ready to leave (he wanted to play on my ipad) & was ready to see his "grandma" (foster mom) again. He never asked for her but said yes when we asked if he wanted to go see her. I think once he moves home, it will be hard when he realizes grandma lives too far to go visit. It's going to be hard on him so huge prayers for him please! In the morning we get to take him to breakfast & then will load up all his clothes & toys to take back home with us. It will be hard saying bye to him but I am so glad that in 4 days he will be home for good! I probably need those extra 4 days to rest & prepare for the huge change happening in our lives, I may not get to rest again for awhile! ;)

The Meeting

I was so nervous about the meet because I was not sure how P would react. We hoped he would warm up to us quickly & not be shy but never expected the reaction we received. We knocked on the door of his house & could hear him running to the door yelling "Who is it?" Foster mom greeted us at the door & P ran passed her running to hug James' legs while saying "Daddy!". I then bent down to ask for a hug & he gave me a hug & then noticed James was holding a present so he asked what it was, he told him it was for him, he grabbed the gift sack & rushed inside to open it. He was excited to get the recorded book of James, Gage, & I reading the 3 little pigs. Madison did not want to be involved helping us read the story, typical 14 year old. :) He also liked his Nick Jr. Sticker book as well. He listened to the first couple of pages of the storybook 4 or 5 times & then wanted to open the gifts we had bought for his foster mom & social worker. Next he was reading to work on his sticker book with daddy. He is going to be a daddy's boy for sure! He has never had a male figure in his life & you can tell he craves the attention from males. Anytime we went anywhere, he ignored all women & had to wave & say hi to every man he saw. After the sticker book, I lured him over to sit in my lap & play on my ipad. He LOVED it & kept checking out all my apps but somehow ended back over next to daddy with it. ;) I'm excited James will have a daddy's boy...Gage is such a momma's boy! They told us we could take him on an outing for awhile. We asked if he wanted to go to the park & he was SO excited! On our way trying to find the park, we stopped for ice cream. P took no time calling us mommy & daddy. Everything was "Look Mommy", "Daddy come on", "Watch me daddy" "Mommy, I did it" and so on. It felt completely natural hearing it come out of his mouth. It was kind of weird for me to be taking my son to get ice cream & I had no idea what kind he likes! He requested chocolate but ended up taking turns eating our ice cream instead because his was "too cold". At the park, he had us busy! We had to follow him on all the equipment & do whatever he did. The child is definitely ADHD, his mid changed to something different every 5 seconds & everything distracted him for one thing to another. He is a ball of energy! After an hour & a half out, it was time to take him back home to "grandma". When we pulled up to the house, he said he wanted to stay with us. It made me happy he was not ready to leave us just yet. We reassured him we would pick him up in the morning & he said, "go home" but we had to explain he will come home another day but tomorrow we will take him to the zoo & he could meet Madison & Gage. He actually called them, nana, & nanny on the phone while we ate our ice cream. He is not shy & was so excited to talk to them all. We went inside with him & to say our goodbyes. He hugged me & let me kiss his cheek & then hugged James & when James told him that he loved him, P said he loved him too. :) The day went so much better than I expected. As soon as we got in the car, James said he has never been so scared in his life. He never even said that when we heard about Autumn's diagnosis!!! I think he knows that he is going to be the most important person in P's life & he's got a big role ahead of him. We are scared that we may not be able to keep up with ALL that energy but I'm sure we will manage somehow! ;) I'm going to bed so thankful for my 4 beautiful children & feeling liked one blessed momma tonight!

If you feel like praying...

A friend texted me the other night asking what specific prayers we need. First, I thought it was so sweet of her to be thinking of us & then I thought maybe I should be letting people know what our prayer needs are! I joke that maybe I will have a breakdown once I have 4 kids living under my roof but I know with people lifting us up in prayers as well as us seeking God's strength that He will provide & I will not have that breakdown. :) So, here are some things we ask in prayers: 1. Travel safety as we travel this weekend to meet our little guy. 2. Autumn's protection while we are away & she's being cared for by our nurses & my sister in law. Prayers for our caregivers too! 3. P to be receptive to us & not be scared but feel our love for him & give him peace instantly. 4. P as he transitions from the life he's known for the past 3 years. He's been in the same foster home for 3 years & has formed a bond with his foster mother so I really worry what the move will be like for him. Pray for him to have little anxiety & some understanding of this change. 5. Our entire family...it is going to be an adjustment for ALL of us. Pray James & I can juggle ourselves between 4 kiddos & that we can recognize when one needs a little extra attention. None of us really know what to expect so the unknown feelings to come are a little scary. 6. Travel safety when P flies home next Thursday & that he will not be scared. He has never flown & will be traveling with a CPS caseworker he has not met. 7. Pray we will figure out his new name soon..I'm stressing over this!!! We mainly just pray & hope for a smooth transition with very little bumps. I can not believe I will actually be meeting the son I've been praying about for a year & 7 months now! It's been a long process & I'm so thankful the time has finally come to meet him!

Subsidy payments

Friday we had our phone meeting with CPS about getting approved for subsidy payments for "P". We were approved & will receive monthly subsidy to help with "P's" expenses until he is 18 years old! If you have a heart for adoption but you may be concerned about the extra cost of adoption then please consider adopting through the state. There is so much help they provide to find these kids forever homes so they will not be passed from one foster home to another. They provide Medicaid for these children even after adoption until the child is 18 years old. They also pay 100% tuition of any state college as well. They also cover $1,200 of attorney fees for the adoption finalization. If you adopt a child in their special needs category then you may be eligible to receive subsidy pay,nets until the child reaches 18. Their definition of special needs is any child over the age of 6, a sibling group, a minority child over the age of 2, or a child with a physical or mental disability. "P" qualifies because he is Hispanic & he is developmentally delayed & has some diagnoses that consider him a moderate level of care. With or without subsidy payment we would be adopting but it is such a blessing to have monthly financial help so we can provide even more for "P". This will allow me to quit my part time job, which I had already planned on doing, since both "P" & Autumn require 24/7 supervision & attention so for awhile neither parent will be left completely alone with the 2 ;) James also picks up overtime shifts each month to cover any extra expenses that come up that we had not planned on so it will allow him to not work overtime & spend more time bonding with "P". I admit, the decision go adopt was scary. I worried about finances & about juggling 4 kids but God has reminded me time & time again that He will provide both financially & physically my needs if I just trust in the calling He has put on our hearts. I am so thankful I have not allowed all my fears to dictate my decisions because God always follows through with His promises.

Our California Trip

Going out of town for a week was not an easy task. First, I had to figure out childcare, arrange nursing, & make the long daily schedules for my mom & sister in law. Our cruise was cancelled due to the ship's engine catching on fire just 2 weeks before we were suppose to leave. I had to completely plan a new trip, finding the best deals on airfare, rental cars, & hotels in less than 2 weeks! Finally it was Monday morning & we were headed to the airport for our California getaway. Not even 15 minutes out, our van starts overheating. We've been having issues with the van & not driving it for a week but had no other choice but to take it to park at the airport for a week while we were away. So, we made it to my brother's house & he offered to let us drive his car to the airport & he would get a co-worker to take him to pick it up later. So, we missed our first flight but got on stand-by to fly out just a couple of hours later. We flew to Austin & then waited on stand-by again to fly to San Diego. We arrived just about 2 hours later than we had planned. I was so thankful I made it without getting sick on the plane. I had my dramamine, ginger gum, & ginger ale to keep me feeling good. The ginger gum worked really well! We landed then took a shuttle to pick up our rent a car. We then drove & drove looking for a good place to eat. At this time I had a huge headache because I had not eaten but a few pretzels all day & it was already 1:30pm (3:30 Texas time). We found a little cafe in La Jolla. We then drove to a beach area where all the seals like to hang out. The last picture is James getting just feet from the seals. I could of watched them ALL day. I just love seeing animals in their natural environment! We then found our hotel & got all checked in. We found a local pizza place called the Pizza Port which was neat & then went to bed early that night. I know, we have a week without kids but choose to sleep. James would of loved to stay out late but I was SO tired & the purpose of a week away for me was to rest, rest, rest. :) Tuesday we spent the day at the San Diego Zoo. I would LOVE to visit as many different zoos as possible before I die. I LOVE them! San Diego was at the top of my list but it was not as grand as I had expected. Don't get me wrong, it's a really beautiful zoo but I felt some of the exhibits were not as nice as I expected & the children's area was disappointing. I actually like our DFW zoo's better! I took TONS of animal pictures but I will just post a few. Wednesday we drove to my cousin Debra's house in the Orange County area. My aunt happened to be in town as well & I met my 3rd cousin, Coleman, for the first time. We all went to lunch & then James & I went to the Anaheim Ducks hockey game that night. This is the one thing James REALLY wanted to do while on vacation so I agreed. I'm pretty much just a football fan & could care less about any other sport but I still had a good time. This is Coleman & I. He is so adorable! Thursday we drove up to Huntington beach & then drove back on the coast highway stopping at different beaches. We saw Huntington, Newport, & Laguna. It was such a relaxing day of sight seeing. I loved it! Friday we left my cousins to head back to San Diego. We did some more sight seeing on the way back. We stopped at Dana Point, San Clemente, and in Oceanside. We arrived back in San Diego & then checked into our hotel & got dressed for dinner. We then drove over the Coronado bridge to Coronado Island & did a little shopping before dinner. It was really nice to go away alone with my husband for 5 days & just relax. It was nice not having mommy duty for 5 days...eating without interruptions, not listening to any whiney kids, no medical duties, no taking care of anyone but myself but I sure did miss ALL of that! Although it's nice to visit other places & go on vacation...nothing is like being home!