God's Will, Not Mine

Let me start by letting you know we all made it back to church last night for the first time in 3 months (since Noah arrived home). Nursing issues. I was nervous how Noah would do but he did AWESOME!! Our church has a special needs room so we decided to take him there (felt a regular classroom would be too overwhelming for him & he would be too active focus).  He did not cry when we dropped him off & was not ready to go when we picked him up! Shows me he is secure in knowing we will return for him. I also want to let you know Noah is 100% potty trained...day & night.

Anyways, God put us back in church on the perfect day.  The sermon was about God's Will, not ours.  I have been struggling with accepting God's Will in my life for 4 years now & this sermon just sealed the deal for me.  God has been working to change me for years now, I am a strong-willed individual & I put up a huge fight before I will give in.  This battle with God over the past 4 years has been an exhausting one.  The day we found out Autumn had SB, we were saddened but honestly we were praising God it was only going to affect her legs & not her mind.  It did not bother me that my daughter may never walk.  Walking is just overrated in my eyes.  Many people in wheelchairs live happy lives.  I knew she would have struggles & miss out of some things in life but she could still live a normal life.  It was after she was born that I was hit with the realization that Autumn was going to have more issues.   I hated her trach but loved it at the same time.  Without it, she would die but with it changed our lives dramatically.  I was angry but blessed at the same time.  Thankful she was alive but mad that we all had to change our lives because of it.  We gave up our pets, we had to welcome strangers being on our home daily, I could not shower when I wanted or jump in the car to take my kids grocery shopping.  My independance was gone & I was angry.  I pride myself in being an independant woman & now I was having to rely on people 24/7 to help me.  I prayed nightly God would heal Autumn from needing her trach so life could get back to being fairly normal.  At this time Autumn was developing normally but then the seizure came when she was about 12 months old that I feel like changed Autumn forever.  She stopped eating, stopped signing, & stopped developing normal.  Years went by & she has grown & developed but it has become obvious that Autumn will always need our help for her care.  We moved here & life got even harder.  There is so much to do in the Dallas area but Autumn can not do most of it because of either anxiety or heat.  Not only is it hard at times to take her places but she honestly could care less to go with us.  This frustrated me! I wanted to be a normal family who could take all my kids to the zoo & we have a good time.  I would force outings but Autumn would be miserable & so would my other kids.  I would compare her to other SB kids & be sad she was not like them.  I would get mad listening to them complain that their child could not walk when my could not even breathe or talk.  I would ask God how is this fair? We were ok with Autumn not walking & then you gave us more & these other parents can not even accept that their kid can not walk.  I had this idea that if I was not complaining about her not walking, why give me more & then these parents who could not even appreciate their children that can breathe & talk are complaining about something we were ok with.  Like we deserved to have it better because we accepted it.  God slowly started to show me I was no different...there were parents looking at me saying the same thing, that at least your child is with you & theirs had been taken away from them & they would give anything to have what I have.  I struggled to accept this path God gave us & just wanted to Him to change it.  I did not want to sacrifce all He has asked us to.  I did not want my other kids to have to sacrifice stuff because of Autumn either.  I just wanted to feel normal again & my kids to have a normal childhood.  I would frequently give myself pity parties.  I wished for that old life back.  The days when I did not have to deal with nursing agency, dr. appts, DME companies, therapy, ARD's, nurses.  The days I did not have to worry about childcare just so I can take a shower or run to the grocery store.  The days when we could just go somewhere as a family without me feeling sad because I had to leave one child at home.  The times I could be involved in church & the kids school without having to make sure I have nursing scheduled or have to cancel because of a dr appt, therapy, or a nurse called in.  The days I could just find anyone to watch my kids & they did not have to be a trained nurse.  The days my kids could be in activities & not have to miss out because I do not have anyone to care for Autumn.  Being able to play with my kids without being interrupted by a child who has stopped breathing.  The days James & I could both ride in the front seats of the car. The days both James & I could attend children's functions together & not needing one to stay home with Autumn. There is SO much that has changed in our lives & that we took for granted before Autumn arrived.  I would pray nightly God would heal Autumn's brain so she would be trach free, she can communicate with us, & she could be cognitively normal.  I finally started to pray if this is not His will that He then change me to accept it.  It has taken a LONG time but God finally started answering my prayers.  He has not healed or changed Autumn & has not allowed my will be to done but He has changed me to accept His will.  The acceptance started in February when James & I took our first trip away from Autumn.  To say I had anxiety would be an understatement.  I was terrified.  Although, the trip was nice it was not as wonderful as it could of been.  I worried about Autumn the entire time.  I was convinced God would take her away from me while I was gone or that James & I would die & my kids would be left without us.  First our cruise was cancelled & then our car broke down on the way to the airport so I just knew this was God telling me not to go. James pointed out it was Satan trying to stop us because we needed the break away together & we needed to trust God.  I went on the trip, had lots of anxiety, but did trust God.  We came home & everything was fine! This was a HUGE eye opener for me.  Life can go on & God does not have to change our situation, I just have to let him to change my view of it.  I finally felt freedom in this new life.  I realized I needed to stop fighting against God's will & start living for it.  My kids & I can still do things without me feeling guilty that Autumn is home.  I can committ to things & it's ok if I have to cancel because of Autumn (I am the perfectionist type who feels if I can not give 100% of myself then I will just not give at all). It is okay for me to accpet Autumn how she is & I don't have to feel guilty if I am not striving to change her.  It is ok that God made her to be 100% dependant on us for the rest of her life.  It will be ok if I never get to hear her say, "I love you mommy."  The sermon last night talked about "stupid theology" that some Christains have about life, that it will always be happy, healthy, & good if we are Christains.  God never promised that...in fact, He warned us we would have struggles.  When Jesus was sweating drops of blood because He was full of anxiety about the death He was about to endure...he prayed for His desire for God to take it away but ended by saying to God, "Your will be done."  If God had answered Jesus' prayer for His desire then we as Christains would not be saved from our sins & would endure the life we all deserve in Hell.  It was only because Jesus made sure to ask for God's will above all else to be done that we as Christians can live in eternity with him.  God is more than capable to making Autumn completely normal tomorrow & my faith believes He would if he willed it but instead His will is for us to accept the path he made for us & rejoice in it.  Hearing that sermon just assured me that acceptance & sacrifice is what God is asking of me.  After the sermon, James taught our life group about never being in rest here on Earth because our rest comes in heaven.  We should be giving our all to God every day! Hearing that just gave me the strength to know that living out the will of God is allowing me to always rely on God's strength to perserve through this difficult journey He has for us.  If God changed Autumn, I think he knows I would become complacent & just rest in this life & not live the life He has called me to live.  Autumn allows me to always rely on His strength daily & to always have hope to see her healing when we are in heaven.  I wanted God to give me all my hopes & desires for Autumn on Earth but how much more wonderful is it that I get to experience what it's like to really rely on God daily to get through this challenging life & that for eternity I will get to experience Autumn with a healed body & mind.  God is good ALL the time...it just takes some us (me) more time to realize it than others.