Nesting

This weekend I have really been nesting. Yesterday I cleaned all of Madison's room really good and cleaned the walls in my bedroom. Today I finished cleaning my room and then started seeing all the clutter around my house and it just started driving me crazy. Anyways, I just had to dust the office and organize it. I am so ready to have Autumn and get this show on the road. I feel like everday I am just waiting then I start to feel some anxiety but then I have to remember God is going to make sure everything works out. Right now my anxiety is wondering how I am going to get through the first 3 days after I have Autumn. I just can not imagine what it is going to be like to see my baby for a few hours (hopefully) and then not be able to see her until they release me from the hospital. I hate that I am not going to be my her side before she goes into surgery and I will not be the one waiting there for her when she gets out. I know James is going to be great though because he really listens to the doctors and remembers every detail they say. At appointments he always remembers measurements and details that I don't. I just hope he gives me ALL the details and does not spare me from any because he knows that it will just make me worry some more. I know I need to think about my health and recovery also but I really pray they will release me the next day so I can be with Autumn. It is all overwhelming to think about so maybe that is why I am nesting to distract my mind from it all. I am already preparing a notebook full of verses that I can read while I am in my hospital to give me strength to get through this time apart from Autumn--I am relying on that to give me the peace I will need. Also, I welcome any friends from Dallas and visitors to come keep me company those first few days so I will have something to help keep my mind off of missing Autumn. :)

Quick update

My dr. appt. was about the same again today. Autumn still is the same with her heartbeat and this time she was not practicing her breathing very well. I will still go twice a week but Dr. Blanco said he will go ahead and call Dr. McGee and let him know what is going on and see if we may want to send me to Dallas a little sooner so I can be monitored by Dr. McGee there. I guess we will see how Tuesday goes.

In case you were wondering.....

my appointment was fine today. Everything was the same. Autumn is still not very responsive but she is breathing and kicking so they are not too worried about her. They said it may be neurological issues but ofcourse we will not know until she gets here or it may be because she is just immature right now that her heart rate just stays at a constant 142 whether she is moving or not. I still we be going twice a week until I leave for Dallas so I will post if anything changes during those appointments. I did forget to mention that Autumn weighs about 3.5 lbs. and she already has hair on her head that you can see in the sonogram--excited to find out what color it will be.

Things are slowing down around here and I am getting bored at home already so I am ready to have a new baby home to keep me busy. I do have plenty to do but just don't have the energy to do it. I think Gage is starting to feel that the baby will be here soon because he has started wanting me to cuddle, hug, and rock him at night again. I am cherishing my last few weeks of being able to love on him like that. Now that Madison has started back to school it is pretty quiet with just Gage and I home all day but I am trying to enjoy the peace while I have it.

Madison's first day of 4th grade

Here is a picture of my little diva and what she wore on her first day of 4th grade (but with leggings). Poor Madison has had to be on this emotional rollercoaster of not knowing what is going on from one day to the next. Up until Friday we did not even know if she would still be going to school here or in Mesquite. On Tuesday we prepared her to be leaving which made her upset but by Thursday she was completely ready to go to Mesquite after she found out some mean boys where going to be in her class here and she did not get her first choice teacher and a boy that has a crush on her was going to be in her class. So, on Friday I had to let her know that we would be staying here and she was starting school on Monday which REALLY upset her. Well, by this morning she was ready to start school. I wondered how her day went and when I picked her up and asked she said this was her best day of school EVER. She loves her teacher--the teacher let them pick whereever they want to sit so she sat by her friend Emily. The teacher also told the kids that she wants them to talk because she does not like a completely quiet room but just not to get loud. She also said the mean boys are much nicer this year. They also get a morning snack since lunch is so late--which Madison likes anything that involves food. I am really glad we are keeping her in one school and not having to move her back and forth. Math may be a struggle this year--they are already starting algebra so I am not going to be much help with homework. Gage and I had a great day as well. I ran errands this morning, cleaned my entire house, and took a nap. I love being back on the school schedule and having a normal routine again. I just hope my doctor appointment tomorrow goes well and does not change our plans.

Great News!!!!

Just got back from the doctor and found out we don't have to go to Dallas just yet. I feel like a huge cloud has been lifted off my shoulders. The heart monitoring results were still the same but all the other factors are good. He thinks she is just immature for her age and instead of having a heartbeat like a 33 week old baby, she is more like a 28 week old baby. He thinks this is just due to the spina bifida causing her not to mature regularly. Her breathing is fine and she is moving and kicking fine. He wants to be cautious though and monitor her twice a week--every Tuesday and Friday. I guess we will be taking it one appointment at a time from now until Sept. 15th when we are already scheduled to be in Dallas. At least I was able to get some things done last night that I had been putting off. Thanks for all your prayers--God answered them.

My appointment with my regular OB

Well, my regular OB gave it straight to me like I hoped he would. He said that I should go ahead and start packing tonight because he knows Dr. Blanco will send me to Dallas. He said that if Dr. Blanco thought it was serious enough to be back on Friday and not a week then he thinks he will go ahead and send me to Dallas and not take a risk of me having to deliver here and Autumn being air lifted to Dallas without us. So, as of right now I am about 75% sure that we will be going to Dallas Friday or sometime this weekend depending on how soon he wants me there. I have decided to go ahead and withdraw Madison from school here and put her in at Mesquite since we will probably be there for at least 8 weeks now. So, I am completely overwhelmed trying to get everything done and get the family packed and I am so tired since I have not had much sleep all week. James is at work so I am having to get it done on my own this evening and just praying we will have time this weekend to get everything else done. I will post more when we find out the definite plans unless I have no time to before we go and then I will try to post asap.

Today's doctor appointment

Well, our appointment at the doctor's kind of threw off all of my plans. The sonogram showed that her ventricles are still the same size so the hydrocephalus remains the same and not worse. Her head circumference and belly though are measuring 3-4 weeks small. This could mean that she is in distress. At first the doctor said he wanted to see me weekly to check the measurements and make sure they do not become more behind and that I may not make it until Sept. 16th to go to Dallas and may have to go sooner. Before we left though he wanted to monitor Autumn's heart. So, after being on the monitor for an hour the news was not so great. Her heartbeat is steady but it should go up and down with movement and stimulation which it was not. This is another sign that she may be stressed and may have to be delivered earlier than we were expecting. So, instead of wanting to see me again in a week he wants me to go back on Friday to have a kick count down and monitor her heart more. I am confused though because she moves ALL the time. This makes me think she does not have voluntary control of her leg movements and even though I feel her moving--her body is not reacting to her moving. This is just my opinion and nothing the doctor's have said. So, now I guess we are on a appointment by appointment schedule. I am not sure if I will go in on Friday and he decides she is too stressed and needs to be delivered the next week or if I will just be back in a week to do more monitoring. He did say to be prepared that we will be in Dallas sooner than the 16th. Ofcourse this throws off all my plans and I have to come up with a plan B. If we find out we will be having a premature baby then I may just go ahead and take Madison out of school here and enroll her in Mesquite because we will definitely be stuck in Dallas for 2 months with a preemie. I sometimes feel like God is just laughing at me when I organize and make my lists of what I am going to be doing everyday to prepare for the trip. He just probably shakes His head and says, "Lacy, stop trying to plan everything and just realize already that I am in control of it all and those schedules are going to be useless to you so just go with the flow." I though keep trying to make my plans and I don't get the hint.

My sleep clock is all messed up

I have been staying up late since the Olympics has begun and now I can not get back to a normal sleep routine. I go to bed after midnight, sleep for a couple of hours, up for a couple of hours, and then sleep until about 8am and then nap for a couple of hours in the day. I guess I am getting prepared for when Autumn comes. :) Anyways, this evening I decided to research some more about clubbed foot since that is one problem we already know we will have to tackle. I have learned they cast the infants foot and the cast has to be changed weekly for about 6-8 weeks. Okay, how am I going to manage going to Dallas each week to get Autumn's foot recast? *sigh* James says it is just time to go ahead and move but there is no way we can right now since we need the insurance. I did send off a Medicaid application today for a secondary insurance but I think we make too much to qualify. Once we are done with the neurological surgeries then everything should be able to be done at Scottish Rite hospital which is all free services and then that will eliminate our immediate needs for insurance but no telling how long or how many neurological surgeries we will need. I still lay in bed at night not believing that I am actually going to have a special needs child. I mean there is no one in either family that has had to raise a child with special needs. I hate to say that everytime I saw someone with such a child I would always think "I am glad I do not have that responsibilty or I wonder how they manage doing it every day." Well, I guess it is time for me to find out how. God knows exactly what challenges to throw our way so that we will see His strength and power shine through. My prayer for tonight is that God continues to give me strength and peace and the confidence to be the mother of this special little girl. I have a fear that once she is born that EVERYTHING will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will just completely break down. I KNOW I am going to have to call on God's strength to get me through the first week after delivery to handle everything that will be going on and to fight off Satan's attacks to try to break me and allow me not to solely rely on God. Please continue to remember us in your prayers at that time.

Guitar Hero Addict

How do you know when your 4 year old son is addicted to Guitar Hero?

1) When he starts to beat his parents one night in battle on medium and then the next day he has accomplished passing songs on the hard level that both mom and dad can not get even half way through.

2) When he wants to pray for the dinner it is just a prayer thanking God for letting him pass on medium and hard on Guitar Hero.

3) When the whole family is swimming together in the pool and you have to force your son to get off the Wii to join the fun--instead he cries and cries and sits on a chair outside pouting and refuses to swim.

So, we now have a new time limit on how long he can play the Wii each day. What have we created?

6 weeks to go

The countdown begins...I have 4 weeks until I leave for Dallas and 6 weeks until I have Autumn (hopefully). I am not sure though how I am going to hang in there for 6 more weeks. My body is so exhausted and I can not seem to get any energy to get things done around here. I also have had this piercing pain in my lower back on the left side for about 2 months now that I am ready to get rid of. Everything else is going good though. I go back to the doctors next week so I will see if they have anything new to tell me or not. I can't believe I am so close to delivering...I'm excited!

Reality Hits

I want to start out this blog by saying the reason I decided to start this whole blog thing was so that I can keep friends and family updated on how Autumn is doing. I also though wanted to have a blog so that I can share my thoughts about the process we are going through and maybe another mom starting on the same journey could know ALL the emotions that would be headed her way. Sometimes though I feel like as a Christian I can not show weakness or sadness because it may come across as having lack of faith or not having hope in my situation. I just want to point out that I share my feelings not so that people can feel sorry for me but because I want to be real with the emotions I feel and let others know not everyday is going to be a good one and that there are some days where it does become hard to face the reality of what my life is going to be like with a special needs child. Despite all my fears please remember that I KNOW God will get us through each and everyday and that this is His will in our lives and everything will be fine but as a mother I can not help but have these emotions and thoughts going through my mind.

As time is getting closer and I have had more free time to start reading my Children with Spina Bifida book then reality is slowing seeking in to how much my life is really going to change. I am not sure if it is denial or just trying to take one step at a time and not get ahead of myself but I have been thinking once this initial surgery is over with then things will be fine. God may choose for that to happen but I have to face reality and see that He may not choose for it to be that way. As I have been reading my book it has opened my eyes to the many problems we can face with Autumn. Spina Bifida is a defect that not only affects the spine and leg function but it can affect hearing, sight, learning, bladdar and bowel control, orthopedic problems, fractures, eating difficulties, breathing problems, and the list goes on and on. I guess I am left asking myself am I ready for all of this and are my kids ready for this as well? Am I prepared to see my little baby go through multiple surgeries and see her in pain and not being able to help her? How will Gage and Madison handle a sibling that requires so much of mommy's time and energy and will I be able to balance their needs with Autumn's? I know the answer is YES because God has choosen us to go through this but I still have those doubts as a mother if I am going to be capable. It has hit me that this is a defect that will never just go away and I will have a completely new purpose for my life in just 6 more weeks when Autumn joins our family. I hate change and this change is going to a scary one but I know it will also bring so much joy to our hearts as we see what God is going to do in our family.

My little pity party

I am feeling kind of sad this evening. I just got back from a PTA meeting for Madison's school. We received a calendar of events and I found out I will be missing Open House and Math night at her school for sure and there may be a few other events I will not be able to attend. I know these really aren't big deals but I am one of those moms who has to be invloved and present for everything. Math night was a night Madison and I always had fun trying to guess the different games to win prizes and last year we won a neat Halloween basket. I also felt bad not being able to volunteer for anything because I am not sure what my life will consist of once Autumn is here. I am not sure how much I will be in doctor appointments and traveling back and forth to Dallas. It is like my life is on hold until Autumn gets here and I am not really sure if then we will know all that will be in store for us. I want to let my kids get involved in activites but feel we need to wait to make sure we will be able to attend practices. I am nervous that Autumn's condition is going to limit what Gage and Madison are able to do as well because of all the care she may need. Most days are wonderful and I do not feel sad about what we are going through and actually feel blessed but there are those rare nights like tonight that I just feel down about things. I know I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine again but tonight I just want to be depressed. I guess that comes along with the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with these kinds of things. I guess it does not help that the kids are at Nana's and James is working. :(

Home with the kids

(Picture was taken last summer). Today the kids and I had a pretty great day. We went to the duck pond early this morning to beat the heat. Gage fell in love with the goose but kept calling it a ghost. The kids fed the ducks and rode their bikes/scooter around the pond. We came home and Madison and I went swimming after lunch and then I was able to take a wonderful nap. Well, later in the day is when the kids started their fighting. Any little noise Madison would make made Gage angry. She though would not leave the room because she likes to aggravate her little brother which I thought the youngest usually aggravated the oldest but not with my kids. Anyways, finally one of Madison's friends came over to stay the night so she left her brother alone. The problem with both Gage and I home all day is that he has become addicted to playing the Wii or watching Noggin. James tried to move the Wii into another room but there just was not enough room for him to play in there so I moved it back into the living room and we only get Noggin on the living room TV. Well, he will not let me watch TV anymore. Even if he has played Wii games for hours and I make him get off--only about 20 minutes later he is trying to tell me that I have watched TV long enough and it is his turn again. It is a never ending debate we have daily. It is amazing though how good he is at guitar hero and bowling. Like father like son--they love their games! Tomorrow the kids will be staying the night with Nana so I can watch all the TV I want. :)

It's official......

I'm a full-time stay at home mom again. YEA!!!! I told James though in two weeks when the kids are getting on my nerves to remind me how excited I was to not be working outside of the home anymore. At least there are only 2 more weeks before school starts so I will get to spend some quality time with the kids and then I will only have Gage at home during the day. He gets bored easily though so I am sure we will have to have "Nana days" to let him have a change every once in awhile. I stayed home with Gage for about a year at one point and I almost died of boredom but I figure now with an active 4 year old boy, Madison's school activities, and a special needs baby--I will find plenty to keep me busy this time. I feel really blessed to be able to be here more for them now. Madison wants me to never work again--last year I felt so bad because I did not eat lunch with her one time at school and every year before I at least ate lunch with her once a month. I know God has provided the way He has so that I can focus completely on raising my children because I know I will look back one day just wishing I had spent more time with them and less time working. Having a 9 year old has really shown me to take the time to enjoy them while they are young because they really do grow up in a blink of an eye. I also know that having Autumn in our lives would be WAY too stressful on me on trying to deal with dr. appointments, working, and trying to keep the house running smoothly. God was already preparing us for this when about 3 years ago we decided to get serious on getting debts paid off because that is how we are able to financially afford for me to stay home and focus completely on the kids and their needs. I shouldn't be surprised with what God does in our lives because I know of His mighty power but He still amazes me each and every day how he cares even for our littlest of needs. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be the mother you have called me to be--I am blessed!

shower pictures

Here are a few pictures from my shower that I finally got downloaded. This picture is me with my car seat and stroller combo given to me by my hostesses.
Here is a cute dress that I want Autumn to wear home for the first time.

This is the shirt Madison got for Autumn

This onesie says "My Daddy Rocks"

Here is money given to me by Steph, April, Robin, Jordyn, Steve, Susie, and Jana. I was very excited about this gift. :)

Here is my mom, Madison, and I

These are my hostesses: Amie, me, Sarah, Tanya, and Bess (Janice and Cassie could not be there)