Reality Hits

I want to start out this blog by saying the reason I decided to start this whole blog thing was so that I can keep friends and family updated on how Autumn is doing. I also though wanted to have a blog so that I can share my thoughts about the process we are going through and maybe another mom starting on the same journey could know ALL the emotions that would be headed her way. Sometimes though I feel like as a Christian I can not show weakness or sadness because it may come across as having lack of faith or not having hope in my situation. I just want to point out that I share my feelings not so that people can feel sorry for me but because I want to be real with the emotions I feel and let others know not everyday is going to be a good one and that there are some days where it does become hard to face the reality of what my life is going to be like with a special needs child. Despite all my fears please remember that I KNOW God will get us through each and everyday and that this is His will in our lives and everything will be fine but as a mother I can not help but have these emotions and thoughts going through my mind.

As time is getting closer and I have had more free time to start reading my Children with Spina Bifida book then reality is slowing seeking in to how much my life is really going to change. I am not sure if it is denial or just trying to take one step at a time and not get ahead of myself but I have been thinking once this initial surgery is over with then things will be fine. God may choose for that to happen but I have to face reality and see that He may not choose for it to be that way. As I have been reading my book it has opened my eyes to the many problems we can face with Autumn. Spina Bifida is a defect that not only affects the spine and leg function but it can affect hearing, sight, learning, bladdar and bowel control, orthopedic problems, fractures, eating difficulties, breathing problems, and the list goes on and on. I guess I am left asking myself am I ready for all of this and are my kids ready for this as well? Am I prepared to see my little baby go through multiple surgeries and see her in pain and not being able to help her? How will Gage and Madison handle a sibling that requires so much of mommy's time and energy and will I be able to balance their needs with Autumn's? I know the answer is YES because God has choosen us to go through this but I still have those doubts as a mother if I am going to be capable. It has hit me that this is a defect that will never just go away and I will have a completely new purpose for my life in just 6 more weeks when Autumn joins our family. I hate change and this change is going to a scary one but I know it will also bring so much joy to our hearts as we see what God is going to do in our family.