Dr. update

We decided to take Autumn back to the dr. this morning. She has lost 9 oz. since Friday--weighs 14 lbs. 14 oz. now. It may be a bug that is found in the intestines of special needs kids. Not sure how it knows if you are special needs or not. ;) Anyways, not sure the name of it--dr. told us but can't remember. So, he prescribed some meds and said it should work in 2 days. If not, then Monday we will have to go back in and get blood work done. Please say a prayer this is the problem and nothing more serious is going on. We are to give her half formula/half pedialyte so I hope she does not continue to lose weight.

My hubby stayed up until 6am with Autumn and then I took over. He's napping, Autumn's napping, and Nana took Gage to the pet store so I guess I should be taking advantage and either nap as well or clean. Hmmm......

Will keep everyone updated and please pray she gets better soon. Today she has no appetite and is lethargic so I know she's feeling bad. :(

Calgon, take me away!!

Woke up cranky--Gage needing attention but just don't have the time to stop and play with him so he gets whining and I get annoyed. Feel guilty

Autumn throws up--change all her bedding--takes a early nap--pushes back our 2 hour routine an hour.

Finally get the kitchen cleaned-takes longer since my dishwasher is broken and waiting for the new one to arrive.

Find out my nurse from 3p-11p can't work today or tomorrow from 3p-7a. Need to seriuosly get bills paid and budget for May done. Laundry is piled up.

Take a nap in case 11p-7a nurse does not show tonight and hoping I can wake up in a better mood.

Call mom to come watch Autumn so I can at least sit and concentrate on bills. Mom gets here--finally get to take a shower for the first time since Monday night. Start working on bills. Crap, we are negative (had to buy Madison a new mattress and box spring yesterday and did not get checks deposited)--need to deposit money but can't leave mom alone with Autumn--call James in hopes he gets a chance to stop by and run to the ATM during work.

Autumn has diarrhea AGAIN......Autumn throws up AGAIN!!!

Still have not paid bills...too stressed to think about it. Called James to see if he can get off work and come home....have 1 nagging kid wanting dinner and the other nagging not wanting to eat dinner.

Call dr. tells me I need to go get probionics and need to go back to using Pedialyte. Waiting for James to call back...may have to send mom to the store to get everything since once again I can't leave.

Worried because I have no idea if this is a virus or shunt or something else.

Start dinner.

Called to confirm with night nurse he will be here...he may can come in early. Thank goodness...I still want James home because I just need a BREAK and a hug!!!! I know he does not have time left but God always provides and we still have money in savings from the PD fundraiser.

So, some days are completely overwhelming like today and others go just perfect. I still have not been able to blog about my perfect evening alone with all 3 kids the other night...save that one for when I have more time and can download pictures.

Okay, blogging is wasting my time so I better get back to paying bills..wait dinner is ready..maybe I should eat first.

Negative

The drs. office just called and the results for Rotovirus came back negative. I guess it's just one of those 3 day viruses so hopefully today there will be no more loose stools for Autumn. She acts like her normal, happy self today and I will just be cautious with the formula. :) I was sick all night but feeling better today so far--I'm glad since we will not have a nurse again tonight and James really needs to work. Autumn did great last night and has gone 3 days without oxygen. Whoo Hoo!!!

This virus spreads quickly...

Friday James started getting it (just not the vomiting). My mom got all of it yesterday. My Friday night nurse got hit with all of it this morning. I started feeling weak and yucky yesterday and it's starting to hit me now (no vomiting as of yet). My nurse from last night just called and he's feeling sick. So, I REALLY hope it passes Madison and Gage. Madison has TAKS this week so she needs to stay healthy. Anyways, so we have no nurse tonight or tomorrow night. James is feeling better today so he will have to take over tonight. If I'm still sick tomorrow he may have to miss work tomorrow night. I hope if I'm still sick tomorrow my mom will be better by then so she can come over and help with Autumn in the morning. I was just bragging how we made it through the winter with no sickness--next time I guess I should knock on wood.

Go away!!!

We're still battling this virus. Yesterday she did pretty good with her noon feeding and had a little diarrhea afterwards. So, at her 4pm feeding I gave her all formula and some bananas and rice cereal by mouth. Well, it went in and came all right back out the other end. We decided to just give pedialyte at her 8pm feeding with rice cereal. She went all night without ANY loose stools so this morning we gave her half and half pedialyte and formula. She still had no stools by noon so I thought it would be safe to give her formula again. An hour later......it came back!!! So, I guess we're back to pedialyte and when we go back to formula I will just have to add a little more formula at each feeding to see what she can tolerate. My mom and nurse also got the virus as well. I just hope I don't get it since it's a bad one and I can't be out of commission around here. ;)

Saturday update

First please stop right now and say I prayer for a little girl named Kayleigh Freeman. It is another blog I follow and this family is faced with a major decision to either wait and see if there little baby is going to improve or if it is time to let her go. They are a strong, Christian family who rely completely on God and so they just want to make the right decision. They are confused like any family would be and they have thousands of followers so please pray for those who are not sure about their faith, not lose their faith if God chooses not to heal Kayleigh. Thank you.

Autumn is doing a little better. She has not had anymore vomiting since yesterday morning. She still has the diarrhea and at times it will seem like it is going to slow down but once something gets in her belly again it comes back strong. :( She did run some fever last night and it was up to 102 this morning but she finally broke it this morning. She is actually a little fussy so I know she does not feel well. She will smile but then start crying, like she can't decide to be happy or sick. She is sleeping a lot more today so hopefully she can get all the rest she needs to fight this virus. She also seems to have some trouble breathing this morning but I gave her a breathing treatment and she's breathing normal now. Her stats though have been GREAT through all of this. She was setting at 100% last night while sleeping!!! Our nurse did turn on the O2 at one time last night and her stats were staying between 88-91 so she told James about it and he took my advice ;) and told her to try turning the O2 off and she may go up and sure enough she went straight up to 98%. Momma knows her baby girl!! I had to teach James that trick the other day, I love being right. HA! The thing I am MOST excited about is that Autumn is starting to make little sounds around her trach. You know the little sounds you hear when a baby is breathing (I always loved those sounds). Anyways, it is precious to hear a little something--hopefully as she gets older she will start to be able to make more noises. When she's been crying today you can hear it as well and of course I just want to let her cry but I guess that is kind of cruel since she does not feel good--I guess since she never really cries this is the first time I can hear it more often. Mommy finding joy in her crying because she's sick--I'm sorry Autumn, please forgive me for being selffish in wanting to hear your voice this morning. Anyways, so that is the update for today--will post more later this evening or in the morning.

What a mess!!!

Autumn not feeling well

She just made a diarrhea mess everywhere!!

Can you tell she's sick
So, I went ahead and fed Autumn her regular formula this morning to see if she would keep it down. She was doing pretty good so I decided to give her a bath to get all that vomit smell off of her. Well, then the diarrhea started. She went ALL in the tub so I quickly got her out and put a waterproof mat on her bed to sponge bathe her. She went EVERYWHERE. I went through 5 towels but finally got her all dressed. She took a short nap and then she woke up and threw up again. So, I was about tomchange her clothes when the diarrhea came again. I've never seen a baby have so much in their little bodies. It was shooting out of her and I was just looking at James like where do I begin...so we tag teamed to get the dirty sheets out from under her, got her a clean diaper, and cleaned up another huge mess. We decided to put 3 layers of towels on her bed and over her bumper pads so she would not ruin those as well. The funny thing is that she just smiles through it all!! So, I called the doctor fearing she may become dehydrated so they got us an appointment for this afternooon. They said it is probably viral and may go away in 3 days but it could be the rotovirus and last up to 10 days. She had another dirty for them at the dr. so they were able to get a sample and they are going to test for rotovirus. She has had 3 immunizations against it so we are hopeing that it not what it is because we don't want it hanging around and getting her dehydrated or spreading it to the other family members. Although James is already in bed feeling sick, go figure he's the one who gets sick. ;) We will know the results on Monday but we will treat the same way by giving pedilyte and making sure she stays hydrated. This is Autumn's first real sickness. :(

Sick baby?

Little Autumn may be sick or it may be her shunt malfunctioning. Last night she threw up 3 times with the nurse. I'm glad it was the nurse I am most confident in--he did a great job. He knew to suction her to make sure no vomit went down her trach. She is running a low grade fever but that could be a sign of shunt malfunction as well. Right now she's sleeping peacefully-with only her little diaper one (in case the slight temp if from just being overheated). Please pray it is a little stomach virus and not shunt problems.

7 month pictures

Gage playing this little piggy with Autumn's toes.

Four and a half years apart and she's over half his weight already.

She was enjoying the attention from brother.

Autumn asleep in her swing--this is how we know when she's really out.

I don't think the smile can get any bigger than that.
Man, I wish I could hear the laugh coming out of that one.
I can't believe she's already been in our lives for 7 months now. She brings me so much happiness. I remember having Madison and wondering how I could love another child as much as her and after having Gage and Autumn you realize there is never a limit to the love in your heart. Gosh, am I blessed or what??

Many thoughts....

Last night went okay without nursing. I finally was able to go to bed around 1am, woke up at 3am, and again at 5am,6am,6:30am,7am, and then up with Autumn at 7:30am. She beeped a lot from 11:30pm-1am and then was mostly quiet the rest of the night--I woke up a lot just to make sure she was still sleeping and to empty her water trap. The evening went great. Madison babysat while I cooked dinner and took a bath. We playing with Autumn in the livingroom and then finally took her to bed at 8:30pm. I can just tell she's much happier to be around the family at night.

I'm still struggling about what to do about nursing. I just don't have peace about what to do. Is it certain nurses or just nursing in general? If I ever want a date night again with my husband nurses have to stay or if I need free time with Madison and Gage. I'm so sick of people in my house but will I regret not having nursing and will I able to get my hours back if I change my mind? I just don't think people really understand how it feels. I mean I don't even think James realizes how hard this is for me. I've expressed my feelings to him but I don't think he gets it since he's not a mother. I have guilt if nurses are here and we aren't in there paying attention to her. Some of my nurses never even pick her up in a 16 hour shift so then I have the guilt of her not being moved to work on her developmental skills. I'm at a loss on what I should do--I guess I know I need the help, don't want it, and I'm trying to figure out a way to make it all work. Every mom needs a break and usually I would leave my kids with my mom and her not being able to help much with Autumn unless one of us is home is hard because she's the one I trust the most with my kdis day in and day out. I then try to analyze if God is trying to teach me something. Do I keep nursing so He can show me how to trust others and love people more? Do I get rid of the nursing because He wants to show me that He will provide my strength and needs daily? Are the nurses what He's providing? Why then can I not get over it and have peace about it? Am I being like this because I'm over-controlling or do I have this uneasy feeling because God is showing me I don't need nurses? Ugh....this is my daily torture I give myself.

Next thought on my mind......today was a great day. I was able to go to our MOMS group at church. It was a much needed time to listen and share with others. A wonderful lady named Tricia from my church talked this morning on prayer. She is such a wonderful prayer warrior and helped us while in the hospital and sent our our prayer requests. She gave us advice on prayer and talked about the asking God for our requests. I struggle with this because sometimes I feel some things aren't His will so why ask but then what if I did just ask He may actually answer me (good or bad). Prayer has been the focus of my life lately and I'm still working on it--long story. Anyways, after she spoke we had a time or talking in small groups. It was nice to get some things off my chest and share with other ladies how I've been feeling lately. It was also precious to hear how my blog has helped others in their walks with God. I want more than anything for God to be glorified more and just to know that He has changed one life closer to Him makes it all worth it even though people reading my blog can clearly see my imperfection and struggles I have. I'm human, I fail but I try to keep relying on God to provide my needs daily. It's crazy how I can feel depressed yet excited at the same time. I love this new walk God has me on because it has changed me forever but on the other hand I'm just ready to be able to be nurse free and take my daughter to the grocery store by myself. I'm glad God is leading my life in a new direction yet I am tired of the changing stage and ready to go forward with His plans.

Another thought...I'm complaining about not being able to take Autumn to the store yet there are parents at this very moment who are praying for their little one just to live another day. I should be thankful I even have a daughter with me today even though I can't take her out anywhere to share with the world as often as I would like to because given the alternative I would rather be in my shoes than the shoes of the parents wondering if they go to sleep tonight will their child still be with them in the morning....so one that note....lots to think about and pray about.

BTW--Autumn is 7 months old today!!! I will try to take and post new pictures tomorrow.

Another day....

It's another one of those days today when I am feeling down and sick of other people taking care of my daughter. I don't want help but I know I need it. I want to do it myself and know exactly what goes on with Autumn 24/7. I hate these days and I'm glad they usually don't last too long. My heart aches because I want her off the vent so badly just so I can do it alone without help from nurses.

Lord, please get me through another day of nursing and therapy and having people in and out of my house that I wish would just go away on days like today. Give my heart joy and make tomorrow a better day....Amen.

Well, after saying my prayer...decided I am not having nursing today and cancelled my nurse. Why on the days I don't want anyone in my home do I have to put up with it? I am taking a break and having Autumn all to myself today and tonight. I am already feeling better about it and excited for the rest of the afternoon now. Thank you God for answering my prayer in less than 5 mins today. ;)

Monday update

It was a quiet and productive weekend. Friday night the older kids stayed the night with my parents so James and I could have a date night. We were broke though since James still is not getting full pay checks so we just got some pizza and watched some movies at home. Those are my favorite date nights since I don't have to get all ready and we can just relax. We watched Marley and me which was a horrible show for me to watch. I cried and cried and started really missing my dogs. :( We were going to watch a 2nd movie but my eyes were swollen and I had a massive headache so I just went to bed instead. On Saturday I was able to get out of the house and go to my cousins baby shower. Afterwards, mom and I went flower and yard shopping. James grilled some venison meat and my parents, aunt Jimmie, and my little boy cousins came over for dinner. We even did some yard work and planted my flowers. Sunday we had a new nurse start so we stayed home from church so I could walk her through a typical Sunday morning routine. I also took advantage of her being here and did more yard work. I think after next Sunday making sure she knows how to do everything we can be back at church.

Today Autumn had OT. We showed her how Autumn has been working to lift her head up and put some weight on her arms. She's doing pretty good at it. I think Miss Kim was impressed. This week our goal is work on having her push on toys with buttons to make noise. Of course we still always work on head control and she's also working on trunk control as well. Autumn has been doing pretty good this week and it's been a quiet, relaxing week. It feels strange being back home for awhile and no dr. appts. until the middle of May. YEA! Tomorrow we have speech therapy and then no plans for the rest of the week!!!

This world makes me sad......

I know this is a touchy subject for many but since it's my blog I get to voice my opinion. :) I have a SB group on Baby Center and it amazes me how many drs. push for termination of babies who get the diagnosis with SB. One mom even came across another group who have terminated their pregnancy for medical reasons. Gosh, I don't get this at all!!! When is it my decision as a mother to decide if my child with a disability should live or die? What's the difference in terminating a pregnancy or killing one of my already birthed children? It the same thing and I don't get why people don't understand life begins at conception! Only God can create life and God is the one who decides when life is over. I don't care if a dr. told me that I would be carrying a baby for 9 months just to give birth to a stillbirth child or that my child will never be able to make it or have mental retardation---I would do anything for that child until God gives that child it's last heartbeat. I guess that is because I have HOPE in my life and I know who's in control. It saddens my heart for those who don't have this HOPE in their lives and who does not serve the same powerful God that I serve. I bet there is not one mother of a special needs child who kept their child and said they regret that decision. I am inspired to get pictures and videos made of our daily life with Autumn now and later when she is a growing and happy little girl so she can be an example of what could of been lost because of ignorance of those who think abortion is an option to deal with something they see as a problem or a baby they think will have a worthless life.

Bonding time

(this is an older picture)

Yesterday Gage decided to start bonding with Autumn. I have not had the chance to move her into the livingroom for family time lately because of dr. appts. and nurses being here so yesterday I took advantage of some down time to let her hang out with Gage and I. Gage was really engaged with her for some reason. He kept playing with her and making her smile. He also wanted to feed her so I let him push the milk through her g-button. He also helped me push on her belly to get the bubbles out of her tummy and then feed her baby food by mouth. That was interesting since he kept sticking the spoon all they way to the back of her throat and making her gag. Big brothers are so sweet. She then got full and did not want to open her mouth so he figured he should just wipe the food on her lips so she could lick it off when she decided she was hungry I guess. :) I like seeing him finally interested in her--he even held her which I don't think he's done since the above picture was taken in February. This morning he kept going in her room to talk with her while she's swinging. She loves watching Gage and he gets her moving her head all around trying to follow him. Oh, sibling love! We even took Autumn outside for about 20 minutes to watch Gage and I play tennis in the backyard--she enjoyed the sunshine. I'm still anxiously waiting for her stroller to get here so we can all go for walks and to the park.

So, just when I thought I figured out the dose to Autumn's lactulose she gets constipated again. Well, constipation backs up her shunt and then she requires more oxygen. I guess since she is growing she is needing her full dose of lactulose now when in the past it would just make her have diarrhea and get diaper rash. So, now she is going again and last night did not need any O2 after 2am and sitting at 100 this morning. Although, now she keeps beeping so I think she's had enough sitting up swing time and needs to lay back down. She's a never ending mystery that we get to solve each day--some days she handles things and some she needs to take it easy. I guess it's an take it easy day today.

10 year check-up

So, this time it was Madison's turn to go to the dr. for her 10 year check-up--really the only reason we went for a check-up is for the doctor to sign a release for her to go to church camp this summer. Madison is my emotional drama queen so I was HATE taking her to the dr. So, the whole time we are waiting she is bouncy her legs and SO nervous that they will have to give her a shot or swab her throat (she truly hates this). She was saying how she wishes Obama would fire all the drs. in the world so that she would not have to go. :) Anyways, her blood pressure was a little high and they took it 5 times so they think it is probably from nerves but we have to check it at home every few days and go back in 3 weeks to check it again just to make sure. She is about 30 pounds overweight so her and I really need to start eating better and exercising more. YUCK!!! So, they check her shot records and see she needs 2 shots. Oh no--then it begun!!! While the dr. was giving me exercise, food, and TV instructions Madison just kept crying and begging me to do the shots another day. It was so ridiculus!!! She was having an anxiety attack I think. I kept telling her to just breathe deep and it would be fine. I was telling her to be brave and think of all Autumn goes through or better yet all the pain Jesus went through for us and know He can help her get through this pain. Nothing worked. I could not help but laugh at her because of how upset she was--of course she did not like that. If others could see the drama I deal with daily you would all be praying for me. HA! She kept saying she just wanted to DIE!!! Oh my goodness. Anyways, they finally brought the shots in and she squeezed my arm and it was over in no time. I threatened her that if she screamed or threw up she would be in MAJOR trouble so she was good and just cried. So, all was over and the anticipation was much worse than the actual shots. So, we get to do it again next year since these shots need a booster. Fun.

So proud

Today Autumn had PT and OT come over together to work with her and coordinate their plan. We were brainstorming on new ways to get Autumn on her belly and to start bearing weight with her arms and to work more on head control. We decided to put her on her knees in between my legs and for her to rest her forearms on my leg and then I would be able to hold her forehead to stable her head. She worked so hard and was lifting her head up and bearing weight on her hands. She was even smiling about the new accomplishment and her stats stayed at 99-100. I was so proud of her!!! I took for granted all the things my other kids just knew how to do without me even having to work with them and seeing Autumn use all her strength for an exercise like this and do it with a smile just makes my heart smile. She was so flushed and sweaty by the time we were done and we worked on it for maybe 5 minutes. She has to give her all to do anything and she smiles the whole time--what an inspiration she is to me. Gosh, I love her. My other kids grew up so fast and learned something new each day so I am cherishing every little small thing Autumn learns how to do. The other day she was grasping her pacifier with her fingers instead of her whole hand and I know that is the next developmental step in grasping--I can not even remember when my other kids did things like that.

I also noticied yesterday that if you lay Autumn on her belly her foot can bend completely underneath her. Ummm.....that's not suppose to happen. I told the therapists and they said it is because the lack of muscle tone and need to get her splinted soon to work on her feet positioning. As soon as she gets the head control down then they will start getting her to bear weight and get her into a standing position. They also gave me more ideas to work with her on her core strength and sitting up.

I also learned something new today. I learned most trach kids can not taste. I've never even thought about that. I guess that would explain why Autumn does not mind taking her nasty, brown, smelly vitamin. We also have not found a food she does not like. That was interesting since no one had told me that before so now I don't feel so bad that she can't drink her bottles because she probably never really tasted them anyways. I'm also not sure if trach kids can smell or not either--some moms say yes and some say no. I guess if you can't smell then you can't taste.

Easter Sunday

My day started okay until the family woke up and Satan decided to start working on me. Madison was whining because she had to get ready 15 minutes sooner, her dress was driving her crazy, and she lost one of her flip flops. Gage was whining because he did not like his sandals and did not want to wear his belt. James woke up with a stomach ache. I was ready to just give up on going to church but then I knew Satan would win and so we made it through all the whining and found the flip flop and off we went. Does anyone else go through this on Sunday mornings?So glad we did since the worship is always a refreshing time for me. After church we went to my mom's house for lunch and to hunt Easter eggs. I had to snap a picture of the first time the whole family went in the car together somewhere. It was so nice and only took us 6 1/2 months!

Our Easter family picture at my mom's house.
The kids ready for the egg hunt

Autumn did not get to go outside though since the wind was so bad. We had a great time spending the day with family. I just love my family!!! So, it was a good day and I'm tired. My nurse did not show up tonight and James is working so I'm hoping Autumn does not beep much tonight so I get some rest. I had more pictures but did not feel like posting them all--I will post them on facebook if you want to check them out there.

Good Friday

Today was a fun day for us. The kids received their Easter baskets from Nanny and PaPa this morning and so I had to get Autumn all dolled up for pictures. I guess Gage and Autumn were rejoicing.

Autumn with her Easter gifts. She sticks her tongue out now when she's smiling.

We then did our yearly tradition with our cousin Jordyn coming over to color Easter eggs with us--we've been doing this together since the girls were 1 & 2 years old. I can't believe I've added 2 more kids to the mix--Autumn is in the background watching the big kids color eggs--next year she'll get to get all messy too.

To make her festive I decorated her with eggs. It is so funny because she was getting tired at this point and kind of fussing but everytime we say, "Where's Autumn? There she is!" she ALWAYS smiles on cue. She's too funny--once again the tongue is sticking out.

It was nice to have Autumn at the table while we did a normal family thing together. Makes me forget about the vent, tubes, and monitor for sometime and feels like we have a normal baby joining in the fun. I can't wait until this summer so she can go outside with us and spend more time with the family and we can do more normal daily life things.

Vent Clinic

Today we took Autumn to vent clinic. It went really well. Her CO2 levels and chest x-rays look great. I asked the dr. if her breathing treatments were really necessary and if they could be stopped or given a little less. We made an agreement since her chest x-rays were good that we keep doing the CPT 3 times a day and to double her dose on the Pulmicort and just give it once a day. Xopenex will be given only PRN which means as needed for wheezing. Yeah! So a few less things we have to do each day. I also asked if I really had to have night nurses and the dr. closed the door and then told me that he knows we are great with Autumn and we will be fine if that is what we want to do. I told him I just want to start out with no nurses on the nights James is off since he stays up until 3-4am anyways and maybe use a little more of my nursing hours during the days this summer so that I can spend more time with Madison and Gage. So, we have the okay to go our own on some nights. We have a baby monitor and Autumn sleeps all night so I don't really see us needing them too much anymore. Last night she did great--slept all night, only beeped twice, and slept until 8:00 this morning. I feel she would get better rest without being messed with during the night and I can sleep in since I think she sleeps later without being messed with as well. ;) I was so excited to not have to get up at 6:45am this morning and I slept until 8:00am, it was so nice. So, the plan is to come back on May 12th to vent clinic and then that night Autumn will stay the night at Baylor Children's House for a sleep study and we will get a free night. YEA!! I think a date night will have to get scheduled. They are going to have a sleep study done to see how she's doing at night and if we can change any settings on her vent. So, it was a good appt. and we are done with drs. for the month of April.

I've had something on my heart since Thursday that I have been wanting to share but everytime I blog about it, I delete it because I want to share my heart but not write a book at the same time and not sure if it is possible. Trying to explain God's work in your life is so hard to put in words. I could talk for hours about it but I know no one cares to read hours of blogs so I am going to TRY to make it fairly short and simple. God has chosen me to be His child. I have no idea why because I am not worthy but He sees something special in me and wants a relationship with me. I have been a Christian for 21 years but have never really felt love or joy like I feel today. As I grow and mature in my faith my eyes become open to things that should be simple and clear but until God decides to reveal things to His children they don't really see it. I'm just now seeing all God has been teaching me through this journey with Autumn. How he has used Autumn's life to change me in ways I've been struggling with trying to change for years. For example, being a perfectionist I would stress and worry about little things in life like how nice or clean my house was. Now with Autumn here EVERYTHING stops when Autumn beeps and nothing else matters because that beep could be life or death if I do not respond quickly. So, things have been put into perspective that if the house does not get clean or if I don't get a shower or ready that day--oh well--life goes on. I'm now use to inviting people in my messy house with no make-up and still in my pj's and I'm proud to do it. Other areas of my life are changing like my patience, short-temperment, sharp tongue, independence, and the list goes on. So, when you have no choice but to give up everything to God because NOTHING is in your control anymore you find peace and freedom in your life. Everything I was 6 months ago, I'm not today. God is so powerful when He decides He is going to teach and train His children He does it in such amazing ways. He has shown me that He loves me more than I ever could imagine. He trusts me to take care of one of His special needs children and has shown me that I can be a confident mother. I can think of lots of things I would like changed in my life but for the first time ever I can actually say I truly love my life!!! I've come to a place in my life where I could choose to lean and trust God through my trials or I could choose to blame and run from Him. I always wondered in my heart if I would follow Him when life gets tough and knowing I have gives me such freedom, peace, and joy. I've even accepted Autumn's ventilator that I hate so badly--I know whether she has is for a few years or for the rest of her life that God is going to be with me every step of the way and He will sustain me through it all. I feel empowered by God's love. It is a feeling that can't be explained. I have joy and I want to be more like Him everyday. I try to be more aware of what I am doing and I don't let my emotions control my actions as much anymore. I still have LOTS to learn and change but seeing God's faithfulness in what He has done and continues to do in my life daily gives me that joy and excitement of what else He has planned for my life. People tell me they admire me or that I have been an inspiration but it is not me that is doing this---it is God living inside of me. Only God and I truly KNOW the real me so I am the only one who can testify that I can not take ANY credit for the way I have handled the path God has laid before me. James even says he is amazed with the way I have handled it all because it is not like me to be acting this way--I'm just as amazed because I am seeing God's power in my unworthy, imperfect life everyday. It gives me a sense of confidence because now I truly KNOW He loves me, walks with me, and is my best friend. Happiness is a feel good feeling that comes and goes but joy is ever-lasting. It's knowing that even when things aren't going the way you've planned that you still have peace and you're joyful about your situation. For once in my life I am not living for the future but I'm living in the present. I am not waiting for the nice, big house or to lose weight to make me happy. I've learned through all this that true happiness is the joy that only God can provide. There is nothing more rewarding than knowing that you are on the path God has planned for you and that you are walking with Him daily and trusting Him for your every need. I'm so excited to see what he has planned next for my life. Thanks for letting me share my heart and listening.

Tomorrow we head to Dallas for a short 3 day visit. We only have 2 appts. on Tuesday so please pray for our safe travel.

Just a swingin'

Thursday I went to the Just Between Friends sale with a friend to do some baby shopping. They have this sale in different cities twice a year and people put their gently used baby items in the sale and make money from it. I put some stuff in the sale in Mesquite and shopped at the one in Midland. Autumn needed a new swing since the one she had was at an angle that would make her desat. Here she is in her new swing and she LOVES it. It turns 2 ways and has a mobile. The mobile is great for her because she will move her head back and forth to watch it and works those neck muscles. It has two reclining positions and padding to help with her head support. I also got some really cute outfits for her as well at the sale. This is the face I am blessed with getting to see everyday

She's ALWAYS happy!!!
Tuesday Madison's lizard, Spike turned a year old (well, we got him a year ago). So, Friday she invited a friend over and we celebrated his birthday. I made a cake (for us) and we bought Spike some mealworms to eat. He's a bearded dragon. He was so little when we first got him so he has really grown and has lots more to go.

Today's blessing

I just got an e-mail from someone at our church saying they want to provide a free day of childcare each week this summer for the kids. WOW! I can't take Autumn since she has to be with someone who is all trained and I can't even drive her anywhere by myself but it will give Madison and Gage a day to get out and have some fun. I am already planning on having nursing on Tuesday/Thursday days in the summer so one day I could get errands done and the other spend alone time with Madison and Gage. So, this day will allow me to run errands without the kids tagging along and just to give me a day to take for myself to refresh. God is so awesome how uses others to bless. I'm so excited for both the kids and I! Thanks to Patty, Neil, and the whole SRC team!!! It means so much to me to think of us.

some good news

Insurance called and said they have approved to purchase our stroller, a new pulse oximeter machine, and a backback and 2 lithium batteries for our vent. So, no more car battery. YEA! I hope everything gets in by the end of April but it will probably be more like May. :)

I also wanted to post a few pictures. The first one is of Madison and the boys. My best friend Tanya and her family came by on Saturday to visit. Her boys are Caden, Coby, and Caleb and they always have fun coming over now that we don't have any animals. ;)
This is a little boy who looks like my son Gage but is eating a carrot!!!! I cold not believe it and I know no one else would believe me so I had to take a picture.

If you did not know, Gage does not eat meat, veggies, or fruit. His diet is limited to cheese and breads and we have been fighting with him for years to eat. Well, he has been trying at least 1-3 bites of meat everynight and actually asked for lettuce the other day and that is when he discovered he liked carrots. I am so proud of him!!!