Last night went okay without nursing. I finally was able to go to bed around 1am, woke up at 3am, and again at 5am,6am,6:30am,7am, and then up with Autumn at 7:30am. She beeped a lot from 11:30pm-1am and then was mostly quiet the rest of the night--I woke up a lot just to make sure she was still sleeping and to empty her water trap. The evening went great. Madison babysat while I cooked dinner and took a bath. We playing with Autumn in the livingroom and then finally took her to bed at 8:30pm. I can just tell she's much happier to be around the family at night.
I'm still struggling about what to do about nursing. I just don't have peace about what to do. Is it certain nurses or just nursing in general? If I ever want a date night again with my husband nurses have to stay or if I need free time with Madison and Gage. I'm so sick of people in my house but will I regret not having nursing and will I able to get my hours back if I change my mind? I just don't think people really understand how it feels. I mean I don't even think James realizes how hard this is for me. I've expressed my feelings to him but I don't think he gets it since he's not a mother. I have guilt if nurses are here and we aren't in there paying attention to her. Some of my nurses never even pick her up in a 16 hour shift so then I have the guilt of her not being moved to work on her developmental skills. I'm at a loss on what I should do--I guess I know I need the help, don't want it, and I'm trying to figure out a way to make it all work. Every mom needs a break and usually I would leave my kids with my mom and her not being able to help much with Autumn unless one of us is home is hard because she's the one I trust the most with my kdis day in and day out. I then try to analyze if God is trying to teach me something. Do I keep nursing so He can show me how to trust others and love people more? Do I get rid of the nursing because He wants to show me that He will provide my strength and needs daily? Are the nurses what He's providing? Why then can I not get over it and have peace about it? Am I being like this because I'm over-controlling or do I have this uneasy feeling because God is showing me I don't need nurses? Ugh....this is my daily torture I give myself.
Next thought on my mind......today was a great day. I was able to go to our MOMS group at church. It was a much needed time to listen and share with others. A wonderful lady named Tricia from my church talked this morning on prayer. She is such a wonderful prayer warrior and helped us while in the hospital and sent our our prayer requests. She gave us advice on prayer and talked about the asking God for our requests. I struggle with this because sometimes I feel some things aren't His will so why ask but then what if I did just ask He may actually answer me (good or bad). Prayer has been the focus of my life lately and I'm still working on it--long story. Anyways, after she spoke we had a time or talking in small groups. It was nice to get some things off my chest and share with other ladies how I've been feeling lately. It was also precious to hear how my blog has helped others in their walks with God. I want more than anything for God to be glorified more and just to know that He has changed one life closer to Him makes it all worth it even though people reading my blog can clearly see my imperfection and struggles I have. I'm human, I fail but I try to keep relying on God to provide my needs daily. It's crazy how I can feel depressed yet excited at the same time. I love this new walk God has me on because it has changed me forever but on the other hand I'm just ready to be able to be nurse free and take my daughter to the grocery store by myself. I'm glad God is leading my life in a new direction yet I am tired of the changing stage and ready to go forward with His plans.
Another thought...I'm complaining about not being able to take Autumn to the store yet there are parents at this very moment who are praying for their little one just to live another day. I should be thankful I even have a daughter with me today even though I can't take her out anywhere to share with the world as often as I would like to because given the alternative I would rather be in my shoes than the shoes of the parents wondering if they go to sleep tonight will their child still be with them in the morning....so one that note....lots to think about and pray about.
BTW--Autumn is 7 months old today!!! I will try to take and post new pictures tomorrow.
1 comment:
I'm glad you had an uneventful night. :o) It sounds like Autumn is really doing great.
As for your concerns about nurses, talk to your accounts manager or nursing director. Express your concerns with the staff not doing developmental exercises with Autumn and that sort of thing. I'm sure they'll be able to give you info on the care required from the nurses. I always thought they HAD to work with developmental stuff.
Also, I've heard of instances where if you don't use the hours they get taken away. With us, if we don't use them then they are still available but our hours could be dropped during the re-evaluation since we're not using it.
Lacy, I think right now you should try to embrace all the help you can get. Talk to the nurses and tell them the issues that you have, but I wouldn't get rid of them too quickly. You have a lllooonnnggg journey ahead and I don't want you getting worn out from trying to balance everything. Heck, the last day was crazy hectic for me so I can't imagine doing it with 2 more kids in the house! Take all the help that you can get, and just try to balance out your time. Let them do the equipment cleaning and Autumn's laundry while you hang out with the little miss.
:hug: I hope God gives you the answers you need. Just don't be too stubborn to listen for the little clues.
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