I've had something on my heart since Thursday that I have been wanting to share but everytime I blog about it, I delete it because I want to share my heart but not write a book at the same time and not sure if it is possible. Trying to explain God's work in your life is so hard to put in words. I could talk for hours about it but I know no one cares to read hours of blogs so I am going to TRY to make it fairly short and simple. God has chosen me to be His child. I have no idea why because I am not worthy but He sees something special in me and wants a relationship with me. I have been a Christian for 21 years but have never really felt love or joy like I feel today. As I grow and mature in my faith my eyes become open to things that should be simple and clear but until God decides to reveal things to His children they don't really see it. I'm just now seeing all God has been teaching me through this journey with Autumn. How he has used Autumn's life to change me in ways I've been struggling with trying to change for years. For example, being a perfectionist I would stress and worry about little things in life like how nice or clean my house was. Now with Autumn here EVERYTHING stops when Autumn beeps and nothing else matters because that beep could be life or death if I do not respond quickly. So, things have been put into perspective that if the house does not get clean or if I don't get a shower or ready that day--oh well--life goes on. I'm now use to inviting people in my messy house with no make-up and still in my pj's and I'm proud to do it. Other areas of my life are changing like my patience, short-temperment, sharp tongue, independence, and the list goes on. So, when you have no choice but to give up everything to God because NOTHING is in your control anymore you find peace and freedom in your life. Everything I was 6 months ago, I'm not today. God is so powerful when He decides He is going to teach and train His children He does it in such amazing ways. He has shown me that He loves me more than I ever could imagine. He trusts me to take care of one of His special needs children and has shown me that I can be a confident mother. I can think of lots of things I would like changed in my life but for the first time ever I can actually say I truly love my life!!! I've come to a place in my life where I could choose to lean and trust God through my trials or I could choose to blame and run from Him. I always wondered in my heart if I would follow Him when life gets tough and knowing I have gives me such freedom, peace, and joy. I've even accepted Autumn's ventilator that I hate so badly--I know whether she has is for a few years or for the rest of her life that God is going to be with me every step of the way and He will sustain me through it all. I feel empowered by God's love. It is a feeling that can't be explained. I have joy and I want to be more like Him everyday. I try to be more aware of what I am doing and I don't let my emotions control my actions as much anymore. I still have LOTS to learn and change but seeing God's faithfulness in what He has done and continues to do in my life daily gives me that joy and excitement of what else He has planned for my life. People tell me they admire me or that I have been an inspiration but it is not me that is doing this---it is God living inside of me. Only God and I truly KNOW the real me so I am the only one who can testify that I can not take ANY credit for the way I have handled the path God has laid before me. James even says he is amazed with the way I have handled it all because it is not like me to be acting this way--I'm just as amazed because I am seeing God's power in my unworthy, imperfect life everyday. It gives me a sense of confidence because now I truly KNOW He loves me, walks with me, and is my best friend. Happiness is a feel good feeling that comes and goes but joy is ever-lasting. It's knowing that even when things aren't going the way you've planned that you still have peace and you're joyful about your situation. For once in my life I am not living for the future but I'm living in the present. I am not waiting for the nice, big house or to lose weight to make me happy. I've learned through all this that true happiness is the joy that only God can provide. There is nothing more rewarding than knowing that you are on the path God has planned for you and that you are walking with Him daily and trusting Him for your every need. I'm so excited to see what he has planned next for my life. Thanks for letting me share my heart and listening.

Tomorrow we head to Dallas for a short 3 day visit. We only have 2 appts. on Tuesday so please pray for our safe travel.