Wow, it's been awhile!

I can't believe how long it's been since I updated last. I just have not felt up to sharing my heart and struggles the past couple of weeks. It's been a difficult month for me. I've been so busy and then the whole spiritual struggle going on has just made it a difficult and challenging time for me.

Well, we have a new night nurse to cover our Sun, Mon, and Wed. nights. She's worked twice so far but I really like her so far. Our fav nurse is back on Saturday nights so we can do church which has been a HUGE blessing even if I have to get up at 5am to release her. :) Friday nights are still open and hopefully after the holidays we can see about finding a nurse to cover them so the kids and I can start getting out those evenings. ;)

I'm still waiting on Autumn's sleep study results. The report came back on Monday but waiting for the doctor to look over them and give us our new vent settings. Autumn is still doing great and I've even become brave enough to have her off her pulse ox during the day which is good since it keeps messing up on us anyways. We are still working on the vomiting issues. I think we are making progress finally since vomiting is not EVERY day but maybe every other...still trying new things until I figure this one out.

Okay, so I guess it's time to share the calling God has laid on my heart and the struggle I've had in walking in obedience to the calling. We are going to start the adoption process! This has been a calling on my heart since I was in the 6th grade (although I never realized it was a calling until recently). It's always been my passion and desire to adopt a little boy from Africa and James and I have discussed this since before we were married. Before we had Autumn we questioned to have a third child or adopt a third and we decided to have one more before we adopted. Well, after learning of Autumn's disability and then all the complications that came along my heart felt that I'd never be able to adopt and it saddened me. After though taking care of Autumn for 2 years now, the desire of adoption kind of just went away because I have so much going on with her that I did not have a desire to have any more kids to take care of. Well, God has different plans I guess. One evening after church I was laying in bed and God just spoke to my heart. He just showed me how blessed He's made us and told me that the extra bunk bed in Gage's room is just waiting for a little boy to sleep in. I texted James about it and he said, "Um,no" I asked him to just pray about it and then we would talk later. The next morning I asked him what he thought and he said that he knows I want to adopt from Africa and his concerns about the financial side of it. I told him that I feel God's calling us to adopt from the Texas Child Protective Services. We discussed our concerns about adopting an older child and agreed a boy between 3-5 years would fit best in our family. We also discussed not wanting to take on a child with lots of special needs but a child who just needs a family who can love him and show him Jesus. James was actually onboard and immediately I was overcome with fear and doubts. Satan bombarded my mind with ALL kinds of thoughts, questions, concerns, doubts, fears, and insecurities. My life started getting very busy and I was feeling VERY overwhelmed! I tried convincing myself that God would not ask this of us right now would He? I was having issues with all 3 of my kids in different ways and I was feeling the stress of all of the responsibilities I have in my life. Everynight though when I go to God's word all I kept reading about was obedience, God's calling, and living a sacrificial life for Him. I'm not ready for this though. I want to be selffish and don't want to take on more. I've been having this debate with God over and over but He keeps showing me that it's not my strength but His, not my will but His, not my life anymore but I belong to Him and I have to be willing to step out in faith and trust Him in ALL things. So, with that we will trust Him in this new calling and see where it leads us. Our first step is to attend a meeting and get more information on the entire process. This probably will not happen until after the holidays but we will keep you all posted through it all.