Hello?!

*This post was written on April 14, 2011 but it took me 10 days to figure out why it would not post for people to read....after doing some updates the blog is working again*  Easter post to come soon

Hello, is there people who still check this blog to see if there has been an update? I can not believe it's been so long since I have updated. Time flies!

This year has been a hard one for me emotionally. Autumn has been doing great but for some reason coping with everything has been difficult for me this year...even harder than when I was pregnant or when Autumn was in the NICU. I guess at those times I had no time to think about myself and was so focused on Autumn's needs. Lately I've been missing my "old" life of being able to have more freedom and control over what I did each day. It's also been overwhelming living away from my parents, friends, and the nurses that I was use to. Nursing has been an issue since we moved here a year ago and at this time we are fully staffed and I pray it stays that way. James' work schedule has also been a hard adjustment for me. He works 9pm-7am; Fri-Mon. This means he sleep ALL day until about 3:30-4:30pm..that leaves me with the kids all day and homebound on the weekends. I can manage taking all 3 kids somewhere when Madison helps out but being a tween girl means she's not always willing to help out. Gage gets bored and keeping him busy becomes another issue and then Autumn has so many allergy issues that some days she can't even be outside. It looks as though he may be stuck on this schedule for several years. Ugh! In Midland it did not bother me to be home because there was rarely anything fun to do or we would not have the money to do it. Well, here there are endless activities to take the kids to do and we finally have the financial means to be able to do more. School breaks and summer's are great for us because we can have our "weekends" during the week when James is off. It's also hard to find time to just do things for me because of the schedule. So, I think just all of these things added together has been really dragging me down emotionally. I know it's just one of those funks and will get better but I usually shake them much sooner than I've been able to shake this one.

Yesterday we had our yearly meeting with the ECI team. This is Autumn's team of therapist and her coordinator. I've been frustrated with her speech therapist and how NOTHING has improved in that area over the past year. Autumn also has hit the terrible 2 personality and does NOT want to cooperate with ANYTHING!!! I know it's behaviour because there are a couple of things she enjoys and does awesome with but making her do something she does not want to do is pretty much impossible. I get frustrated and then even stop trying to teach her something. She's a rotten mess!!! So, Autumn only has 5 months left with ECI and then we will make the decision on what direction to go next with her. We are getting a meeting set up with the school district to get informed of all our options and what will be best for Autumn. Just thinking about it all makes me sick and want to cry! The therapists gave me tests results of where Autumn falls in age of developmental areas. She is 31 months of age but tests at the following ages for these areas:

Cognitive (Gaining skills & knowledge): 15 months

Communication (expressing & understanding): 14 months

Social Emotional (interactions): 14 months

Physical (use of hands & movement): 7 months

Adaptive (self care & independence): 1 month

I know lots of these are low because they can not count talking, crawling, walking, running, potty training and the type of areas we never really expected her to do in the first place. The things that gets me are the things I know she should still be doing regardless of her SB like recognizing and pointing to pictures & playing with toys. Honestly, I get guilty feelings about this because I know if I worked with her more and was more consistant with her that she would be doing more and start to blame myself. I'm not super woman and feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility I have on my shoulders. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, banking, bills, homework, school stuff, errands, manage all the drs, therapists, nursing, medical supplies, and do all of Autumn's daily medical care...my list can go on and on...I really do control ALL of the household. I have attendant help that allows me to be able to get about half of my things done each week and without it there would be NO WAY I could manage it all. I forget to teach Autumn the basic baby things like colors, animals, shapes. There is just no time in her schedule for the basics since we are focusing the day on regular medical care and therapy sessions which usually take up the entire time until the other kids get home and then it's homework, playtime, cooking, baths, and bedtime with them. I know it's not fair to blame myself but as a mom I feel responsible for all the things she has not achieved yet and I don't want it to be because of me. I accept if she's not able to do those things because of her disability but that is not the case...she can but she needs the consistency and push that I don't always have the time for.

The amazing thing is that I'm blown away that I'm not overwhelmed 24/7 and that I just get this way at times. It proves to me how powerful God is and how much strength He has given me. I do not see how people without faith cope in life's difficult situations. I may have a small breakdown a few times a year, cry, and feel like quitting but I always have HOPE and PEACE knowing my God will get me through this once again. Even last night after the meeting I just kept crying from being overwhelmed but I then I get on the internet and look up all the children with CPS who is looking for a forever home and I want to adopt them all. I laugh at myself thinking, "What in the world are you thinking about adopting with all the stuff you have to deal with right now & how overwhelmed you feel at this very moment?" It's because I know My God has enough patience, strength, and endurance to get me through ALL of this and it's not even hard for Him. I know I fail many times but He has never failed me and know He never will. Without God, I'd probably be on anti-depressants and have given up by now but instead I'm able to have joy even when life seems to be too much to bear on some days.