2011

Every new year you hope for the best but never really know what challenges or triumphs it will bring.  My 2011 was filled with more triumphs than challenges and it was a nice change from the three years prior to it. 

After 3 consecutive years of surgeries, Autumn went an entire year without a surgery! I know 2012 will most likely bring a couple of more surgerical procesures so I am rejoicing for the year break!  It's was also an awesome year in her development where we have started to see the "lightbulb" come back on in her brain and she's making more strides each day.  She started school which has been a HUGE blessing because she works SO much better when she's not in her home environment.

 Life is finally starting to feel "normal" again.  I have been going through a rollercoaster grieving process the past 4 years dealing with Autumn's disability. I am so thankful for it and would not change what I have been through but when you expect your child to be "healthy & normal" and to learn she's disabled brings on ALOT of emotions you have to learn to deal with.  You have to let go of the old life you had and learn to embrace this new way of life.  I had to get rid of all those expectations I had and learn Autumn will do things MUCH slower and at the time she is ready to do them.  I had to realize I would have to push her hard at times to learn something new but then there are some things that she may NEVER do and have to accept it.  When new age appropriate milestones came, the realization of how far behind Autumn was would bring the grieving process again.  It's a continous circle of realization, sadness, and then acceptance.  You have to choose to focus on the accomplishments and not the challenges in order to get through it.  Honestly, everytime I hear a child say "mommy" my heart breaks.  If I hear a baby belly laugh, I become sad.  As I watch toddlers play and run around, I wish mine could join in.  This is ALWAYS present in my head but I have to CHOOSE to smile and be happy for the mommy who can hear her baby call her name, for that child who can express their happiness, and for those toddlers who can run, jump, and play.  It's a hard process but this past year I think I finally did better at embracing our new "normal" and life finally feels more normal than not for the first time in 4 years.

I think in 2011, I finally connected more with my family since I was able to start processing our new life better.  Madison and I have always had to struggle with our relationship because we are so alike but so different as well.  I think we finally figured out how to embrace our differences and work together with our strong, independant personalities.  We are learning how to talk each others languages and it feels great!  Usually when your child becomes a teenager, the connection/communication starts to slip but ours is getting better which makes me extremely thankful since these next 7 years are going to be her hardest and I want her to feel close enough to me to share.  I love how she now opens up and shares with me about her life.  Only 4 days and I will be the mom of a teenager! Gage however is a different story, I am not sure what has happened to my sweet, momma's boy.  He is SO moody.  I think it may have to do with his thyroid medication that we are still figuring out the dosage on but a lot is also his age.  He use to be able to turn on that cute, baby boy charm on his mommy but it does not work anymore so him and I need to learn how to figure this one out.  He will be our work in progress we will have to tackle in 2012.  ;)  James and I have FINALLY found a flow to our marriage.  We learn more and more each day how to speak each other's love language and it's finally starting to work like a well-oiled machine around here.  We have completely opposite love languages so it's such a struggle to love how your partner feels love and not how you feel it.  We found that give and take that it working for the both of us.  In 8 years, James and I rarely fight because he's so laid back and pretty much let's me win the battles but although this was working for me it was leaving him a little bitter.  I had some bitterness as well since my life pretty much stopped when Autumn was born and he got to continue on his normal path for the most part.  I had to quit working outside of the home, I was left with 3 kids home ALL day with nothing to do because I had a child I could not take ANYWHERE, I moved from my friends and family for Autumn, my life now revolved around Autumn's daily care needs, doctors appts, therapy, and strangers "nurses" invaded my home. I was feeling resentful and bitter as well.  This year was our toughest year of marriage.  We had little time for each other and both were struggling spiritually.  I was feeling that calling for adoption and he was feeling a calling into ministry of some sort. Once we decided to obey God's calling in our lives, things just synced with our marriage.  The adoption process has taught us so much and bonded us and James has been given the opportunity to step in with 4 other men to start teaching our life group at church.  I feel like the last 3-4 years have been preparing and leading us for this next year of 2012.  I feel an excitement stirring in my heart that God wants to use us even more and that makes me joyous. 

This verse has always been my strength these past 3 years: "Consider it joy when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endrance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

I know 2012 will bring trials because we will strive to walk in obedience to him.  My prayer for 2012 is that Autumn continues to reach her goals and remain healthy.  Madison will enjoy being 13 and have an awesome year.  Gage will learn the world does not revolve around him and start to mature into a respectful young boy.  ;)  James and I will continue to strengthen our marriage and obey God's calling in our lives.  God will protect the son he has picked for our family and bring him home.  I can continue to make strides on acceptance of the AWESOME & DIFFICULT path God placed in front of me. Most of all, that we really start to love others and our lives will reflect God's grace and forgiveness and that others will want the same for their lives as well. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!