A Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Some mornings I just wake up and not sure what has hit me but I'm filled with sadness and frustration. You have blessed my life so abundantly so I always feel guilty when I'm hit with these feelings. I just want a normal life back. I want to be able to get up on a Saturday morning and go wherever I want with my kids. Whether that be garage saleing, shopping, swimming, the park, etc. I don't want to have to plan my life a month ahead anymore to make sure I have nursing covered when things come up. I don't want to stress over going to church because taking Autumn means distraction and trying to figure out the best places to go into the building at for ramps, lifts, and elevators. I don't want to wake up and think about the routine I have of meds, feeds, CPT, equipment cleaning, therapy, etc. I just want to be able to get up and do "normal" things....I want Autumn to be able to come into my bed and snuggle without having to carry the pulse ox, suction machine, and oxygen into the bed with us. I want to have a HUGE mess of things she's pulled out of her toy box or cabinets. I want to hear her say mommy and giggle and even cry when she's throwing a fit. Some days are just hard for me. I know you have to power to change our circumstances and so it frustrates me at times wondering why she's still dealing with the trach and her reflux issues. I'm so sick of seeing her gag and vomit after feeds. Please Lord just heal my baby girl. I get on my knees crying out to you...I know you hear me. You know my heart. You know I've trusted you and I've accepted the course you have taken us on. I know that you are a loving and merciful God. I know you want what is best for our family and know what you are doing in our lives even if I do not understand your ways. Although change is what I want...I also want your will to be done in our lives. I want to accept and not question your ways. I want to have continues peace even when I do not see the miracles I want. I want you to continue to give me strength to get through each day and allow me to persevere. Satan wants to see me fail at this task you have given our family...he wants it to destroy us. Instead you have allowed it to strengthen and build us up. You have taught us so much on this 2 year journey and I know you will continue to mold us into who you want us to be through Autumn's life. Remind me that on mornings like this when I'm SO sick of dealing with medical issues that you are right there with me holding me, comforting me, and feeling my pain. I KNOW this will pass because I KNOW it is in your plan to heal Autumn and for her to be trach free one day...you have given me that peace in my heart but it's this day that I just need to vent my frustrations and then be reminded of your great love for our family. Remind me that healing is going to come but it will be on your time and not mine. Lord, I'm so thankful that I can pray to you and only you truly know all the emotions and feelings inside of me and that you always give me peace after a time of pouring out my heart to you. I love you. Amen.