Thinking of him...

Today I am thinking about my future son even though I have no idea who is he.  I know he will come to us in God's perfect timing but a momma's heart feels empty & aches knowing he is somewhere out there just waiting for us to come get him.  I think about him ALL the time.  Will be have white, brown, or black skin? Will he be tall or short for his age? What color will his eyes & hair be?  How old will he be? What hurts & challenges will he bring? Will he be shy or outgoing?  Will he be affectionate or have his guard up?  Will he be a momma's boy or a daddy's boy?  Will he talkative or quiet?  I can't wait to find out all of these things!  This process has not been easy for me because I am not patient but it has been good for me.  It's made me strive to be a better mother to my kids now.  I've learned so much from the books I've been reading & learning to parent in more effective ways.  It's called me to pray numerous times in the middle of the night for peace & patience.  I've been given the chance to learn about different all these different boys we have looked at & to just pray for them individually.  Everytime I see one of the faces of the kids I have bookmarked on the TARE website, I know one of those could possibly be my son.  I pray over each & everyone of those faces everyday.  They aren't just numbers or statistics anymore, they are real kids who have been through more than I can ever imagine.  It breaks my heart everytime we have to turn down a kid because he has too many "issues".  We have to do what is best for our kids & make sure we protect them so there are some cases we know we can not accept.  It still makes it hard because we know with each no it means a child will wait longer to find that perfect matched family.  I know it's best for both us & the child in the long run but can't help to be sad for having to say no.  I know this wait time is being used to strengthen our family dynamic so we will be ready to parent an abused/neglected child.  It's going to be the biggest challenge we will face as parents & God is preparing us to be able to handle those challenges.  So, in the meanwhile, I will daydream of what my son will be like & pray over him & many other boys daily.