Changing from the inside out

Yesterday in church we were singing a song that says "Change me from the inside out Lord". James leaned over to me and whispered that God is literally changing me from the inside out. It made me realize 2 things. One that even though this affects my whole family that really I am the one who is going to be going through the birth and delivering this special baby girl. God has entrusted me to be her mommy and that makes me feel so blessed. The second thing I thought about is how this is my purpose. I know as a Christian my purpose in life is to glorify God. I always wondered how God was really going to use me to glorify His name and show that everything I am and everything I have is all His. Well, this would do it. For the past three years God has really been molding me and shaping me. I have been a Christian for 20 years now but had not really seen significant growth in my walk until these past three years. I contribute the growth to my husband and my church. Both have shown me to see God and myself differently than I grew up seeing him. I grew up thinking that since I was a "good girl" that I deserved to be blessed by God. When I was 19 and became pregnant when I was not married all I asked God was why? Why me? This was my one "big" mistake and I felt like I was being punished for it. I soon realized though that my daughter was a blessing and not a punishment but I still always wondered why God gave her to me when he did. Well, the past 3 years has also shown me that I do not deserve anything from God. I do not have "rights" to be happy. Sure God wants to bless me abundantly but not because of anything I do but because of who He is. I have also learned that I did not accept Christ because I made the right decision--God actually was the one who chose me. He decided to soften my heart so that I would accept his unfailing love and forgiveness. He hand picked me to be His daughter and to adopt me into His family. This makes me see God in a whole new light. I realize I did not just stumble onto Christianity or that it was because my parents raised me knowing God. It was because God chose to intervene in my sinful life and make me His own child. I realize that I actually have a responsibility to glorify Him all of my days. This motivated me to be active with my Christianity and just want to know Him on a much deeper level. I have also learned these past couple of years to be thankful for my children's health. I always took for granted my kids being healthy but when we saw my son was small for his age and we had to decide to give him growth hormones or not then I realized that anything can happen to my children's health and that I need to be thankful for their health. This was one reason I was so apprehensive about having a 3rd baby. I was done and just wanted to adopt one day but James really wanted another baby. Since I was also learning how to be a submissive wife I finally gave into him and decided one more. I told James though that I felt I was being selffish with wanting another baby and scared this one would not be healthy. James told me that he would feel blessed if God chose us to be the parents of a special needs baby because it takes special people to raise them. I was mad at him for making this comment and told him to NEVER say anything like that because now we are going to have one. :) Little did I know that we would actually be having one. God has also been preparing me for Autumn way earlier than I realized because in church we have talked a lot about trials and storms we go through in life. It really got me thinking about how smooth things had been going in our life and why God was not giving us a storm and it kind of worried me but ofcourse I was also thankful. I just know that trials bring growth and I wondered if I had really grown and how I would react to something going "wrong" in our lives. I would like to think I would trust in God but I really was not sure that I was to that point yet. God decided it was time to test me and gave us our storm. He also equipped me with strength, trust, and peace in Him that everything is in His hands. I know it is my responsibility to show others that I am still praising God in our storm. I am embracing what He has given us and it is my goal to make sure His goodness is revealed in our lives. I know there will be the ups and downs and Satan will try to alter my way of thinking but God will be shown in the end through this all. Thank you my Father for all the abundant blessings you have given us.