10 months old

My baby girl is only 2 months away from her 1st birthday and I just want to scream "NO!!!" She's my last and with having a 10 and 5 year old I know how quickly they go from sweet little angels to kids with attitudes. I went clothes shopping for her the other day and seeing all the newborn clothes made me so sad. I never got to put those tiny clothes on Autumn so I feel like I was robbed of the first part of her life and I want it back. So, I'm trying to take in Autumn's touch and smell right now. I love the slobbery fingers that go from her mouth to grabbing my face. I love the fat cheeks and thighs that I just want to squeeze and never stop kissing. Why can't God keep them this age forever??? I remember being a mom for the first time and wanting Madison to hit all her milestones and was so ready for her to get to the next stage and she could not grow up fast enough. I then had my second and the pace was just perfect....I enjoyed him being little more but when I just had about enough of a stage he was moving to the next one. With Autumn I want to freeze her and not let her grow up. I mean I can't even remember Madison being a baby anymore and I know it will feel like I blink my eyes and it will be Autumn's turn to go bra shopping like her big sissy. Sheesh...I'm so not ready for my baby to be a year old. So, I will try to capture and cherish these last 2 months of her being zero (as Gage says).

Autumn has been doing great lately...she is now officially spoiled and acts more like a regular baby needing attention. My little baby that never cried now cries anytime anyone walks out of the room. She likes to be patted to sleep now when we use to just lay her in her bed, turn off her light, and walk out of the room and she was out. I blame all of this on "Gea" her day nurse--she ruined her. ;) Her breathrate continues to stay at either 0 or 6 during the day....around 10 during naps and 16-20 at night. She's learning something new just about everyday...she mimics well now...like sticking out her tongue when you do or making noises when she smacks her lips together. She also knows she can kind of gather some spit in her mouth and make a little noise with it. Everything still makes her excited and she smiles at everything. She is eating great and still not interested in drinking from a cup or straw. She is learning to pull toys out of a bucket and can wave bye bye. Her head control is getting better and we are working on teaching her how to roll over. She seems to move her legs a little now..not sure if it's reflexes or her though. She getting great at pulling and we are still working on pushing with her hands.

I really do not focus on her vent and trach anymore...I more accepting of it and not counting down the days until they may be gone. I'm able to see she's developing well while on it so I don't hate the equipment as much anymore even though it's still a pain to transport. I've decided I'm okay with it being on God's timing and not mine..he won that battle already. I do have down days every once in awhile but for the most part seeing how happy Autumn is makes me know everything will be fine no matter what. I do still dream of the day I will finally be able to hold Autumn for the first time without tubes and wires attached to her. To be able to swing and dance around with her without stepping on anything. The freedom to carry her from room to room with me...I KNOW that day will come but until then I will wait with patience and anticipation of what it will feel like on one of the happiest days of my life.