Blogging

It's 4:30am and I've been up for almost 2 hours already so I decided maybe if I blog I will get my thoughts off my chest and can go to bed. I blog for 2 reasons, the main one to update family and friends about Autumn and the second reason is my journeling for my soul. Why though do I choose to journel my thoughts for everyone to read? Good question. I think it's for 2 reasons. One I want those you are not "special needs" parents to really see the ups and downs a special needs mom goes through and have more of an understanding of us. Secondly because as a Christain I want others to see how I struggle (as all Christians do) with the battle of flesh and spirit. Also, my spiritual life can not be separated from my life because that is who I am so there is no way of me talking without including the spiritual ups and downs I have as well. Make sense? So, I'm having a heavy heart this week...I know I should be praying and reading my Bible right now but to be honest I am a little mad and frustrated with God tonight so I have chosen to be rebellious and blog instead. Stupid choice but honest feelings. I know God understands though...he's kind of loves me unconditional that way. Will never comprehend as to why but he does. I see a pattern going on with my ups and downs about being a special needs mom. When I am secluded from the world I do not struggle much with my life situation but once I get around people more that is when the pity party begins. Now I understand why I do not see so many special needs kids and families everywhere I go. I know there are thousands all over because I see them in the hospitals but you hardly ever see them in your daily routine. Tonight was family swim night at the church and it's so hard to enjoy it when one Autumn can not be there and then my husband is always absent for things like that because of his job. I feel like I am being robbed of Autumn's childhood because she can hardly go anywhere with us but I do know that one day she will be able to and when those days come we are going to be making up a lot of memories lost. This is where somedays I get frustrated with God because I have no doubt in my mind he just needs to say the words and Autumn will be off this vent and the trach gone but I know he's choosing not to do that because he wants to teach us some "lesson" blah,blah,blah....I want the lesson to be over and into a new season but it's not His will at this time so I can complain and be mad all I want but that's not going to change a thing. This brings me to another thought....how to make me thankful I just try to see the blessings he has laid infront of me and see that we should be thankful because our life could be like "so and so's" Well, I've come to learn we are now that so and so family...people can look at their children and be blessed for their health because they could be dealing with what we are going through....I think it's great God is using us to open others eyes to be more appreciative but I am ready to be that "normal" family with the husband, wife, and 3 kids all together splashing in the pool. Sad though that is really not the normal anymore since most families have one parent missing even if there are the 3 healhty kids. Okay, back on track now. I think this week is extra hard because James and I are both sick of his job and ready for a change. We feel stuck and optionless right now. Not really a good time to move to Dallas because of Autumn (really don't want to deal with new nurses)and don't want to leave the support of friend and family but James can not find anything else here either. Our initial plan was for him to hopefully quit the police department when we had Autumn but then when we found out about her medical issues it was not an option anymore. James feels called into ministry but circumstances has kept him from being able to pursue that calling right now and we are both getting weary and impatient about it all. As a cops wife I hate worrying if I will see him everynight after his shift and if I will be getting that knock on my door but since having Autumn it's kind of a bigger fear because I really do not want to be left alone trying to raise a special needs child on my own. He's completely tired of stress of being a police officer and all the crap they deal with each and every night. I think he's been surrounded by negative behavior which he really can do nothing about except arresting people over and over and needs to be in a more positive atmosphere. I could not imagine doing what he does night after night and I think since he's been doing it for about 10 years now he's so ready for that change and the new chapter in his life to begin. He also gets so frustrated because he can never get involved as much as he would like with the church because his days off change every month....plus he missing so much of what the kids and I do because he's always having to work. He's out of paid time off so now we are to the point that our day nurse will be taking Dallas trips with me and he will be missing those crucial appts with Autumn. It's just been coming down heavy on us and we are ready to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I apologize for this e-mail....sounds so depressing but it helps to share and I know there are many of you who will be lifting us up in prayer when we are at loss for words what to pray about anymore. Please note that I know tomorrow is a new day and God will renew us and we never stop believing in Him....we jsut hit some weary bumps along our paths.