Sunday, August 23, 2009
Just feel like hearing myself type and vent
This post is really just for me to get things out of my head. I have just been feeling really negative lately and trying to understand it. Autumn has a lot of issues but there are so many families out there going through much more than we are so why do I keep feeling sorry for myself at times? I feel like I have this line drawn down the center of me. One side is full of pure joy over my precious little girl and the other side is full of complete sadness of our new life. I'm just so over this stage in my life and ready for the next. I am honored and blessed to be Autumn's mommy and proud God chose our family to place her into. She is inspirational, happy, and funny. She sees happiness in EVERYTHING. Being a mom of 3 I know each child has their own personalities and even though Gage was a pretty happy baby there is just this special light in Autumn's eyes that just beam out when you look at her. I also know we were given Autumn for a reason and would not trade in anything in this world for the changes that has taken place in my spiritual life. I KNOW now just how much God loves us to give us this crazy journey so that we have become to know Him in a much deeper way than we ever had before. The sadness though always wants to creep in through all my joyous occasions. Like focusing on Autumn's first birthday that is now less than one month away. When you celebrate your childs first birthday you can look back at all the "firsts" in their first year. Well, we do not have all those firsts....like the first sound of a laugh or words of mama or dada. The first roll over, sitting unassisted, the first pull to a stand or maybe even the first steps (depending on the child). I haven't even gotten the first time to walk around with my child without wires/tubes attached. Shoot, Autumn hasn't even given me the pleasure of her first tooth....little stink. Instead our first year was filled with crappy firsts like her first surgery--plus 6, first time she quit breathing, first shunt, AFO's, CT scan, radiograph, MRI, IV, medical equipment and the list goes on. It's so easy to get stuck on all the negatives of her first year but I have to remind myself even though she does not have all the firsts like most kids her age she has accomplished much more than most of the babies her age. She may not have great head control but she has worked so hard for what she does have. She may not can check off as many things on her first list but each thing she does check off was due to the fight and determination she has in her. This morning in baby dedication class at church we had to go around saying our baby's name, age, and one word to describe them. Most words were happy, strong-willed, content, laid-back, funny. I proudly could say the best word to describe my daughter was inspirational and most 11 months olds have never had to show fight, determination, or strength like Autumn has and she always does it with a HUGE smile on her face and that is what makes her an inspiration to me. This just goes to show why this whole journey we are on is bittersweet. We get to raise this awesome child but we also have to deal with the daily negatives that go along with it. I have to choose to turn my thoughts from negative to positive each and everyday but it's not easy and I fail most of the time. So, I'm tired of being selffish and feeling down so Autumn's next year is going to be filled with positive thoughts and seeing my life in a new way.
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3 comments:
"Inspirational" is the only word to describe your entire family! Thank you for sharing your heart and I can't imagine the day to day struggles, but might I say, you handle them with tremendous grace and mercy. I praise God for the strength He has given you even in the times you feel so weak....He, then, is so strong. Scoot your chair up and eat of His mercy:)
If you weren't sad, you wouldn't be human. It's okay to be sad. I don't think God expects you to be happy that your child has extra challenges. He wants us to be content and thankful and make the best of what he gives us and to trust Him with it. But He doesn't require us to be happy about it. :) He continues to work in you, and that's why it hurts so much. You're in my prayers.
I've found that there are really two ways to live a life of special needs parenting: (a) dwelling on what isn't or (b) rejoicing in what is. There are obviously times when you can't live one 100%, but overall you just have to choose what you want to focus on - the good or the bad.
To me, the first birthday is more so about what you've made it through during that year... not so much about the typical "firsts". Perhaps I think this way because I've never had a child without health complications, and I can certainly see where having experienced a healthy child's firsts would make someone a little jaded. I've stopped comparing Mackenzie to other children developmentally because it's really not fair for anyone involved. So for us, Mackenzie's first birthday is her making it in general and Andy and I maintaining some form of sanity through it all.
There will alawys be a child that requires more "attention" than yours. I think of some of the wonderful parents I've been able to talk to this past year and realize that we all have different paths with our children. I don't find any of them easier to navigate (regardless of how "many" or "few" complications are involved)... just different.
I hope you're able to enjoy life. These moments only happen once. (Which sometimes is a good thing.)
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