Questions and answers

Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you preceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down, you are familiar with all my ways...You hem me in-behind and before, you have laid your hand upon me. For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

This Psalm hangs on Autumn's board in her room...made for us in the NICU from a SB grandmother and it hung over Autumn's isolet while she was in the NICU. I've read and known this Psalm for years but it's one I've really pondered over this past year. I think this Psalm is one reason we never really questioned Autumn's SB diagnosis and the reason I have never felt guilt that I did something to cause Autumn's SB (something I know some SB parents do struggle with). I know God made Autumn perfectly in His eyes BUT I do sometimes wonder why some people are chosen to be disabled and what's the purpose of allowing this. I've never been involved with the special needs community or been around people who are disabled much. I would always say....Oh, I do not have patience to deal with that and God KNOWS that is not what I was made to do. lol...I just love when he proves me wrong. Well, for the last year I have come to know this whole new world of families with disabled/special needs kids. I am constantly noticing something over and over about these people....they see life in a different way. Yes, they all have struggles of dealing with kids of special needs but they appreciate EVERY little detail in their children. The kids are just incredible as well. Now, I know all of you reading this who are involved with special needs kids in some way or another already knew this but again this is all new to me. I was told a story of a party for speical needs individuals who were being given snowcones....one guy asked why they DESERVED such a great party with free snowcones? Just this one question brings me to tears and makes it all clear to me. God created disabled/special needs individuals to show us "normal" people what is really important in life and how we should react. We all feel we deserve so much and just want more and more. This guy probably has been through more in his short life than most of us ever will go through in a lifetime and he did not think he deserved a party and free snowcone? Autumn reminds our family everyday that no matter how hard it is for her to do anything...she's CONSTANTLY smiling. She gets pushed so hard during PT that she's sweating but smiles when she finally gets her head up like she suppose to and you see the pride beaming from her eyes. She gets sick and vomits and smiles afterwards. She gets her finger poked or blood taken...she's smiling. She had an ear infection and a tooth coming through....still smiling. Covered in bug bites...still smiling. She has this sweet, innocent spirit just like most special needs kids. They show love and compassion better than we do. They show strength and endurance. They ARE special people in MANY ways and they are needed in this world just as much as people without disablities.

I then ponder...I know Autumn was put here for a purpose but why God did you choose our family to bless with her? God knew she would need a father who is patient, calm, dependable, and loyal to his family no matter what struggles were put his way. God knew she would need a mother who is organized, strong-willed, selfless, and a homebody who would not mind having to stay indoors instead of hanging out with friends and family. God knew she would need a sister who is loving, compassionate, and helpful. God knew she would need a brother who was funny, sweet, and playful. Most of all God knew our family needed a daughter/sister who was full of joy to teach us to treasure the small things in life and how we need to smile more and be more thankful for the blessings we are given and not to take anything we have for granted. God slowly reveals His purpose and plans but once again He knows EXACTLY what He's doing!! So, I finally "get it" and understand and accept the journey He's given our family...took me long enough huh? Thank you Lord for all you have blessed me with and my family...gosh I love them!!!