DEVASTATED

I am so upset, devastated, and mad. I just found out that the rescue group that I sent Sophie (my bullmastiff) back to decided to put her down. They said she declined in her behavior and since she was 7-8 years old they could not find a suitable place to adopt her so they made the decision to put her down. WHAT??? I can not believe they did not call me first, I would of done ANYTHING to keep her or find her another home if I knew the only option was to put her down. I e-mailed them back and told them how disappointed I was and I wish I was notified. I thought they were the one place that would make sure she did not get put down, if I wanted her to be put down I could of just taken her to animal control. So, I bawled and bawled. The kids do not know of course and hopefully they will never find out or ask. She was my baby and I can't believe it.

Well, today has been a kind of depressing day for me even before I heard about Sophie. I just feel a little overwhelmed and reality is sinking in a little more since we have been home for a week. It is the little things in life that I am realizing will be changing. First, I can't EVER sleep in again. I will now be waking up at 6:45am every morning but the positive about it is that I have my quiet time every morning to spend with God. Next, I realized I can't even step outside of my house because I will not be able to hear if Autumn goes off and I need to be close enough to run to her when she does. Even doing small household chores has become harder--I can't vaccuum because I can't hear if I do, when I do laundry I can't hear and I have more the monitor to whichever room I'll be in so I can see if Autumn is crying. Today Gage wanted to show me something he drew on the computer but since I was holding Autumn I could not walk into another room. I want to put Gage in gymnastics but it is in the evenings so if James is working someone else would have to take him and I could not go watch. So on, so on, and so on....I'm giving myself a pity party today. Earlier I was even thinking what if it was only me and the kids home and one of the older kids breaks a bone or something. What would I do? Can't run them to the hospital because I have Autumn. I know these are things I don't need to worry about but I feel like I need a plan because emergencies like that are very possible. I was just looking at Autumn laying on the living room floor after moving ALL her stuff from her room to the living room thinking how am I going to do this for 4-5 years. I just asked God if it is His will to heal her brainstem please do it soon so that we can get rid of this vent and trach. If it's not His will then to please give me the strength to do this day after day. I realize it is harder on me the days James work since I have Autumn alone from 7am-1pm and then again from 3:30pm-7pm. I'm just drained and can't get much accomplished during the day and by the time my nurse gets here in the evening I just want to rest my mind and body and do NOTHING. So, please keep saying a little prayer each day for our family to adjust and to not get worn out each and everyday.