Afternoon walk

So, I get this great idea that James, Gage, Autumn, and I will walk to Madison's school and pick her up since it is such a beautiful day. So, we are running late to leave the house for our 15 min. walk. We get Autumn all loaded on our regular stroller since we are still waiting for the special stroller that we are getting ordered. Well, the equipment is SO heavy and the bottom basket keeps folding down since the O2 tank is weighing it down along with the car battery. Anyways, we get her all loaded and off we go and Gage is following on his scooter. I am speed walking trying to get to Madison's school since we are already late and school has let out. Autumn did not enjoy the ride--she cried everytime we hit a bump or go up and down at each driveway on the concrete so I started walking on the street since there were no bumps. It was also hotter and more windy so everytime the wind would hit her face it would take her breathe away. We made it to school and then time to turn right back around. On the way home the pulse ox ofcourse quit working so we had to just keep an eye on her. Well, the sun was in her eyes so we are trying to keep the hood on to shield her but we also need to see her. Anyways, it was not the great trip I imagined it would be. Once we were almost home Gage did a flip over his scooter and landed on his head (yes, I'm a bad mom and he wasn't wearing a helmet). Anyways, he stood up just laughing with a small scrap on his head--tough boy. So, we will not be making another walking trip until the new stroller is in with all the gadgets. Oh, and I was EXHAUSTED by the time we got home since the stroller was so heavy and I kept having to get off and on the sidewalk to change streets. WHEW!

Once again I am still depressed over nursing. I just can't shake the feelings I'm having. Don't get me wrong our nurses have been okay it is just the fact that someone else is taking care of my daughter and not me. Another new nurse is starting on Sunday mornings and I am sick over it. I just hate Autumn is with so many different people. I never had Gage and Madison in daycare (just MDO as they got a little older) and I always had my mom watching them for me so to leave Autumn with non-family members is breaking my heart. I know she is being taken care of but I want to do it!!!! Also, I am not sure what each nurse knows and does not know and I am comstantly worrying about it--I try to tell them everything but always forget something until it comes up. I just don't know if God is teaching me how to except help or if He is wanting me to just trust in Him to give me the strength to do it everyday without help. I am willing to give up my whole life to be here 24/7 to take care of her but I also have to think about Madison and Gage and spending time with them as well. Yes, I can have mom take them everywhere but I want to be there as well. I can train mom to take care of Autumn but then I will end up wearing her out as well. Have I mentioned how much I hate this vent???? I hate not having my independence to do whatever, whenever I want with my own child. I'm scared if I do decide to stop nursing that I will regret it but I'm not sure how much longer I can handle it. I like all these I's I'm writing about--maybe God is telling me something. I just don't want to listen right now and just want to deal with this without help. Madison even complains about always having a nurse here because she wants to play with Autumn but feels uncomfortable when they are here--what to do? Anyways, just please pray for God to give me guidance and knowledge on what to do.