Permanent Disability

I stopped by Autumn's doctor today to pick up the signed form to get a handicap sticker f0r our car. Attached to the top of the form was a prescription card with Autumn's name and in the prescription boxed it simply said permanent disability. As soon as I saw those words my eyes teared up and my heart sank. Seeing those words written down was like being slapped against the face with reality. As I was pregnant we could pray and hope that Autumn would have a mild case of SB and not much would be affected. I never really cared if she could walk or not and honestly I just knew God had her planned like this for His will and so I knew it would all be okay. Well, after going through all this trach stuff I look forward to her being vent and trach free one day and can't wait for those days to come. In my mind I keep thinking once she's done with this everything else will be a breeze...and we will have a "normal" life back. I am forgetting that Autumn still does not feel anything below her knees and that even though the vent and trach will be gone we will still have therapy, braces, standers, walkers, and wheelchairs. We will still have to get our home wheelchair accessible and have all the necessary equipment for her everyday needs. Where's the break? Oh yeah, I forgot there is no end to permanent disability....it NEVER goes away. So, why is this hitting me now and making me cry all of a suddden? As a Christian I know God's perfect will is being done in Autumn and our lives. As a mother with human emotions and thoughts I wonder why God chose my baby girl to endure this life. Why does she have to go through the surgeries, therapy, and life-long struggles? Why couldn't God make this happen to me? I would rather endure all of Autumn's issues than see my sweet innocent daughter go through her ENTIRE life disabled. I want her to have the chance to run, ride bikes, swim, and do all those things I did as a child. My heart aches and breaks for her but then I look at her big blue eyes and see that huge smile come across her face and realize she knows no different and she has something more important than the use of her legs....she has a God that fearfully and wonderfully made her, she has a mommy and daddy that love each other and her unconditionally, she has a sister and brother that accept her and will always be there for her, she has grandparents, family, and church members that adore her and pray for her daily. So, why my little girl Lord? Why pick her to be special and be an inspiration to all who meet her and touch so many lives? Why choose James and I to be parents of an extraordinary child (taken from Matts' blog...a SB parent)? The only answer I always hear from Him is because He loves us that much. He loves us enough to challenge our faith. He loves us enough to teach us things we can only learn through an extraordinary child. He loves us enough to show us that His love really does sustain us and that ALL things are possible through Him. He has forever changed the lives of our family by putting a real angel among us and showing us that there are NO limits to what God can do through a little baby to completely change the way we see, think, and feel about God, miracles, and LOVE.