Still seems unreal

It still hits me every once in awhile I actually have a disabled daughter. Today the mailman brought me a certified letter from the Department of Aging and Disability services. He was kind of taken back that this young woman was receiving a letter from them and asked about it and I told him that I had a disabled daughter. It feels seems so weird to me that this is now my life. There are times I will just be sitting with Autumn doing normal baby things and then will have to suction her or something and think I can not believe I am sitting here taking care of a baby with a trach, I had never even seen anyone with a trach before. There are times James and I just look at each other amazed that we are actually doing this day in and day out. Today I filled her application for a handicap sticker...who would of thought I'd need one of those at 30 years old. ;) I can't even imagine how a healthy person that gets in a tragic accident and becomes disabled wraps their brain around their new life. I'm ashamed to say that I really did not ever pay attention to families with disabled kids before or other people with disablities. I had too much going on in my own life to stop and care what they were going through. God has shown me to have more compassion and has opened my eyes to so much. Old people and disabled people were just never my thing....I was just afraid of both....I never expected in a million years that this would be something God would give me to handle. Like Moses told God he was not a good speaker and could not represent His people....well, I was never compassionate or patient enough to take on what I am doing. It brings tears of joy to my eyes because God is revealing to me that it's not what I am capable of doing but what HE is capable of doing. He is transforming me to be just a pinch more like Him and it blows my mind to think just how amazing He actually is. I can not express what it feels like to do something I never wanted to do, never thought I could do, and still can not believe I do everyday and to know the only way I do it is because God's hands are holding me and giving me the power each day to get the job done. I'm so glad that even though my life is challenging now and I mourn the life and freedom I use to have that I am now experiencing Him in a way I never would of if Autumn had not come into our family. She's been a major reality check with my walk with my Lord and I can not believe that God loves me enough to come in and shake up my comfortable world because He wanted ME to have a much deeper and meaningful relationship with Him than what I was having. Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience you in this way because life would of been a major disappointment if I never knew you like I know you now. I can't wait to be in your presence forever but please use me on this Earth to change me more. make a difference for you, and to experience you even deeper.