Prayer fast

"Is not this the kinf of fasting I have chosen:to loose the chains of injustice and inutie the cords of the yoke, to set the opressed free and break every yoke?Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here I am." Isaiah 58:6-9

Today I have decided to fast and spend the day in prayer for Autumn. I want to clear my mind and just spend the day really listening to what God wants to say to me and to get prepared for our meeting tomorrow with the doctors. I want to appeal to God the seriousness of my heart for His will to be done in Autumn's life even if that will is not the same as mine. The last few days I have been wondering if I really hear God when he speaks to me. Some people seem so sure of when God speaks and so sure of His will in their lives and I want to know God enough to know when it is Him speaking to me or when it is me trying to convince myself to believe what I want. I believe and have this peace that God is going to heal Autumn's brainstem and we will not have to go down the path of a trach. When we were told of Autumn's spina bifida I knew it was not His will to take it completely away and I knew he wanted us to accept her condition and that we would have a long journey and she was going to have difficulties in life. I accepted that she may be paralyzed and have bladder/bowel control issues--I could see my future in taking care of her with those problems. I just can not see the same when it comes to the trach--yes, I questions myself if it is God speaking to me about it or if it is me not wanting to so badly for her to not get it. I just keep reading the verse in my Bible about the demon-possessed girl and her mother-Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour. Matthew 15:28 I never felt the need to pray for Autumn's healing with the spina bifida conditions because I really felt it was not God's will to heal her of it but I feel I need to have faith about God healing her brainstem and ask for healing. It is frustrating because I do know how powerful my God is and that this is such a small miracle for Him to perform but I also do not want Him to heal her if that is not His will. James and I have given Autumn completely into God's hands to do with her as He plans and will not question anything that happens or does not happpen to Autumn. Right now God wants us to trust Him and know that he can heal her if he chooses but if he does not choose to then for us to not lose faith in him and to continue to praise him and trust him. I also want to be in prayer today about our meeting tomorrow (if it happens) and that James and I will stand our ground with what we think is best for Autumn and her care. I want to make sure we ask the right questions and do not feel intimidated by the doctors since there will be several in there. I hope we have peace with what they tell us and what we decide.

I know everyone is eager to hear how Autumn has been doing since Saturday and I apologize for not posting sooner. Sunday morning around 2am they finally got her pain under control and I don't think she has been in pain since. Her blood pressure has been looking better and I think we are taking forward steps again. She is at full feeds and not getting anything through her PICC line anymore so they may try to take it out today so it will not become infected. We are ready for her to come off the ventilator since her pain has been better. They said if her next blood gas comes back looking good then they will put her on auto on the vent to see if she will start to breathe more on her own. She has been breathing over the machine but still likes to ride it and we feel she needs to be pushed to get off because she is becoming way too dependent on it. So, for the next few days she may only have a tube to feed and can finally get rid of everything else is she does well--we can't wait for the tape to be removed from her face so we can see her better. Yesterday she was awake ALL day long and just looked around and was very comfortable. She still has desats but they do not go down too low (occasionally they will and she has to be bagged) but most of the time she comes back up on her own. It is getting harder because we want to pick her up so badly to talk to her and play with her--maybe that will happen when she gets off the vent and hopefully God will show her how to breathe on her own and not rely on machines anymore. Yesterday she turned 4 weeks old and weighed 7 pounds even. She is getting cuter by the day--there are a few new pictures on her website. http://www.autumn.haleydean.com/